You and your man are together—you’re a couple.
And hopefully, you’re mostly happy!
But just like you … he has a past.
And that bugs you.
First let’s just say: That’s completely, 100 percent normal.
No woman revels in the fact that her man has been in love with another woman before. That he’s whispered sweet nothings into another woman’s ear … that he’s pined after other women … cuddled up to another woman while watching one of the same movies you two have watched together.
We just don’t like to think about it.
But what happens when you can’t stop thinking about it? When you’re eaten up by it—usually about one ex in particular. You find yourself ruminating about her … wondering what she’s doing, where she is, whether or not they still talk …
This is when you need some sort of intervention.
Because as we all know, having these strong feelings of jealousy can cause serious damage to your relationship … and serious damage to your own psyche as well.
A girl can go crazy thinking constant jealous thoughts like this.
Fortunately, we have a plan. And this plan can help you get rid of those incessant jealous feelings toward his ex.
Strategies for Getting Over His Ex
- Assess what’s going on
First, are they still talking? Is she even in the picture right now? Think about all avenues of communication. Even though they may not talk to each other in person, are they still friends on social media? Do they interact? Are they in the same city or do they have the same friends?
- If they DO still communicate, talk to your partner
When there is still frequent communication going on between your partner and his ex, this is cause for concern. Even if there are no feelings there, it makes you feel uncomfortable. You should not aim to absolutely cut off their communication altogether, but you could voice to your partner that it makes you uncomfortable.
- If they DON’T communicate, know that it’s all in your head.
This is tough. If they are not talking, but you still have serious jealous feelings, you need to do some soul searching to build up your confidence and learn to get over this hump. Ask yourself these questions to start:
- What exactly are you jealous of?
- Do you feel she is prettier or more successful than you?
- Do you feel that she and your partner were closer than you are with your partner?
- Are you deathly afraid he still pines for her?
From here, you can start to use some cognitive behavioral therapy concepts to build confidence.
For example, is there any evidence that they will get back together? Probably not. Remember that they broke up … people who are in love and want to be together don’t break up. Are you lacking self-confidence? What can you do that would make you feel more confident? Work on yourself if you need to!
Finally, if you’re afraid he still has feelings for her, ask him. Don’t be hysterical, but just put the question to him, and whatever he says, believe him. Trust him. He’s your partner.
What to Do if He’s Still Not Over Her
We’ve covered what you can do on your end to help deal with jealous feelings about his ex. And theoretically, using these strategies will completely rid you of this problem.
But in some cases, there is a chance that these ruminating jealous thoughts you’ve been having are actually rooted in some truth. In other words, he’s still not over her.
In that case … it’s very important to take some action to ensure that your relationship can progress in a healthy and positive way. If he’s stuck on her, this is going to be tough. But there are a few things you can do.
- Talk to him – The first thing to do is talk to him. Confront him about this issue. This does not mean that you have to have a confrontation per se. But have a talk with him about what you’re feeling, and be honest!
It’s ok to say that you are jealous when he is very obviously doing things that are not OK within your relationship. For example, if he is still talking to her on a regular basis, tell him that this makes you uncomfortable. As long as you stay calm and speak with kind and compassionate words, voicing feelings like these is a completely normal and legitimate.
- Talk to her – This conversation will undoubtedly be a little more uncomfortable, but you can do it. Remember, you should only reach out to her if they are still talking and it’s making you uncomfortable. If the jealousy that you’re feeling is mostly on your side of the matter, it’s not a good idea to start talking with her as this may be construed as slightly meddling and could likely make your partner and her uneasy.
When you talk to her, be kind and calm. Meet for coffee in a public place, or find a way to send her a calm, mature message. Tell her that you are not trying to be cruel or unkind, but the way she and your partner are interacting makes you uncomfortable, and you just want to ensure your relationship stays strong and healthy.
- If nothing changes, give him an ultimatum – We don’t like to encourage “giving ultimatums,” but we also don’t’ like to encourage women to stay in relationships where they are playing second fiddle to another woman. And in this case, that means telling your guy that you’re out unless this thing with his ex gets cleared up.
This is not going to be easy, but again, just stick to kind words and compassionate talk. Remember, if you feel uncomfortable about the way he is still interacting with his ex, you’re in the right to pipe up about it.
Finally, remember that jealousy is a normal emotion to have—especially when it comes to your partner. It’s something that simply means you like your relationship, and you don’t want to lose it. But this emotion can also take over your thoughts and actions, and you can’t let it.
Be smart, and learn to control your jealousy so that you can have the best relationship possible.