Posts Tagged self-confidence
Ah the past. Always comes back to haunt ya, doesn’t it?
Well it comes back to haunt men too, and it can stop them from moving forward just like it stops us.
Many men have a problem committing, and this is true even if when he’s actually devoted entirely to you. In this way, it usually takes the form of wanting to commit … but being unable to go through with it.
In other words, he’s fully in love with you. You’re the one. But he’s got issues.
Could be any one of us!
To really know what’s going on with him though, let’s stand back and take a look at the exact ways that the pasts of men can stop them from moving forward with you, their lovely, devoted partners. Because the haunting past can take many forms, and for this thing to work in the end, you need to know what you’re dealing with.
We’ll tell you how to fix these issues as well if you just keep reading till the end!
How Is the Past Holding Him Back?
There are four main ways in which his past might be holding him back from committing.
- He’s been hurt by many exes … or one ex really badly.
This is the classic “I’ve been hurt before” scenario, and if it’s happened to your guy, you probably already know about it, although you may not have been linked in to all of the details. Generally, it’s an ex who left him at the altar or broke his heart in some other abrupt and cold way.
- He’s not over his ex (don’t worry you’re still the one).
This one can be linked with number one. It’s sort of like “missing out syndrome.” He’s worried that he messed up with another woman, and even though he doesn’t want to be with her and he wants to be with you, he just can’t seem to get over her and forget her completely.
- He’s embarrassed about his past. AKA: He has “a past.” (Don’t we all …).
This one might not be related to romance at all. In fact, it might be about a rough past with his career, money, drugs, crime, a difficult family or something else.
Not everyone continues on in these lifestyles. Many individuals start out there and make permanent, good changes to their lives. With that being said, it can still be hard for those individuals to forget their seedy pasts and not be nervous about moving forward.
- He totally messed up with a woman before, and he’s scared he’ll do it again.
Alright, this one’s different than number one and number two, because he’s totally over this woman (doesn’t care a lick about her), but the end of the relationship was completely his fault in some way.
He’s not the hurt little fawn in this scenario. He screwed up, and he retains the shame and anxiety of having done that, so he’s got cold feet about you because he’s scared that he’ll do it again.
How to Deal With a Man Who Won’t Commit
Ok the words “deal with” may be a bit harsh. You’re not “dealing with” your sweetheart. You’re helping him see why his past doesn’t have to ruin the future for the two of you.
Men who won’t commit tend to act distant at times. They pull away and disappear when you mention things like moving in together, getting married, having kids … So they condition you not to mention those things. But it’s something that looms heavy for you, naturally, and you’re wondering how you can ever move forward with him.
“Why won’t he ask me to marry him?”
“Is something wrong with me?”
“Does he not love me like he says he does?”
These are the questions that worry you day and night.
But they needn’t.
The good news with all of this is that when a man’s past is holding him back, it’s his present that can fix all of that, and you play the vital role.
Start by doing the following:
- Discuss his past with him.
Yes, talk about it. You have to find a way. We’re not into forcing here, but … you need to make him tell you about whatever it is that’s bugging him. It might be a slow progression, so give it time.
- Reassure him.
Now it’s time to make him know that you care. He needs reassurance, and it’s you who needs to give it. If he’s worried about being dumped, tell him that won’t happen. If he’s embarrassed about a sordid past, tell him it’s okay.
- Tell him exactly what you want out of the relationship.
Finally, explain to him exactly what you’re asking from him in this relationship. Word for word, tell him what you want even if he doesn’t say he wants the same things.
Now, if you’re reading these three things and saying to yourself “Easier said than done,” we know, we know.
Make him bring up his past? Good luck, right?
Reassure him when you’re not reassured and divulging what you want? Talk about going out on a limb …
Ok. This is where Why Men Pull Away can save you.
Because in order to do these three things, you’re going to need some help. Why Men Pull Away is a guide that helps you understand why you’re feeling rejected and confused right now because of your man’s odd behavior and actions.
You know that something in his past has been holding him back from committing to you, but why? And can you stop it from tearing your entire relationship apart?
The program unearths all of the questions that have been running in your head on an endless loop. It calms your worries and tells you step by step how to get him back in your life completely committed—down to exactly what to say. If you work this program, it’s guaranteed that he’ll be closer to you than ever before when you’re finished.
Try it, and see how it can help your relationship. Plus, don’t forget: Just because he can’t commit now, doesn’t mean that your relationship is over! You simply need to work it (use this guide, it will help!) and your dreams of a committed and loving relationship will become your reality.
“If you don’t lose weight, no man will ever want to marry you.”
The memory of my mom’s words to me as a child have never been erased from my memory. Rather, they have played as a soundtrack to my life for decades.
My mother, at the age of 72 is, and always has been a style diva. She has prided herself in being the Belle of the Ball for as long as she (and I) can remember. And for good reason – she always has been the woman who no one could take their eyes off of when she entered a room.
She was also an incredibly loving mom who devoted her entire life to her children. As educated as I became, and as much as I succeeded in every aspect of my life, my weight remained the bane of her existence, and it quickly became mine as well. It ended up overshadowing every success I ever had.
She beamed with pride with every piano test I passed, with every school report card which was sent home with stellar grades and fantastic teacher feedback, when I was in the newspaper, when I went through grad school, when…well, you get the picture. But with every accolade, it would eventually come down to this: “Now if you could just lose this weight, you would be perfect.”
I used to blame my mother for making me so horrifically body conscious but as I matured and began to make my own choices, I realized that her words may have partially been coming from a place of selfishness but mostly, they were coming from a place of concern for my health. However, my negative body image was already set in my consciousness and it was the foundation for many, many self-destructive mistakes that I made.
Particularly in my romantic relationships.
I remember watching a movie when I was younger in which a man had cheated on a woman and she was on her knees, crying, and begging him to not leave her. “Who the hell does that?” I asked myself at the time. “Who could be SO desperate and have that little pride?” I would eventually discover that the answer to that was none other than ME.
Okay, I never got on my hands and knees begging. But one doesn’t have to do so physically. It is enough when one does so emotionally.
I had no boyfriends in high school. I was always too buttoned up and self-conscious to even remotely believe any boy would have interest in me. So I shied away from them. When one of my band mates tried to kiss me once when I was 16, I ran away, screaming in my head.
However, when I went to University right after high school, I unbuttoned. A lot. And that brought with it a slew of guys with whom I NEVER had a relationship with. I emphasize the “NEVER” because at that point, in my mind, getting any kind of attention from a man equated to a possibility of romance. I was inexperienced, and in my heart, starved for a real relationship – hungry for male attention, the kind that my friends were all getting. I began to think, “Why not me? Is it because of my weight?”
And so the mistakes began.
Every time a man flirted with me and never asked for my number, I told myself it was because of the way I looked. Every time I kissed a man, I assumed we were getting into a relationship. When they never called back, I blamed my weight.
My first long(er)-term relationship happened in my early 20s with a man 7 years older than I. He called my house, it was a wrong number, and we ended up talking for an hour. Then he called again the next day and asked if we could meet. And so I agreed.
He was absolutely gorgeous. A bad boy in every sense. Everything that is the fantasy of every young woman who doesn’t know better. He paid me attention, he was charismatic and fun, but he was also using me. I ignored every single glaring red flag because it felt so good to be with him.
I believed we were in a relationship for 9 months until he disappeared for several days and I found out he was sleeping at his ex-girlfriend’s home. When my world came crashing down, I finally acknowledged every single verbal and non-verbal cue he was giving me from the very start, and they all shouted the fact that we were never really in a relationship. Not a healthy one, anyway. I was simply giving 100% of myself to someone who was giving me 5% of himself.
Despite my broken heart and lessons I should have learned, I kept getting myself into relationship with these kinds of men.
During every heartbreak, my internal dialogue never changed: “I’m a good person. I’m successful. I loved him. I was kind to him. I took exceptional care of him. Why doesn’t he love me? There is no explanation other than my weight.”
Yes, the common denominator every time I got my heart ripped to pieces was me. But it wasn’t because of my weight. It was because of the fact that I felt like absolute shit about myself.
I know I have titled this article “How My Weight Destroyed Every Relationship I Ever Had” but I suppose it’s partially inaccurate. These were relationships I never really had because, in retrospect, they weren’t equally giving from both sides. And it wasn’t really my weight which destroyed them. It was my horrible sense of self-worth.
For me, it was my weight which made me feel worthless despite countless amazing things I had in my life and my accomplishments. For others, it could be an array of other defining moments – being abandoned as a child, bullying, physical or mental challenges, depression, trauma, biased media representations of people’s lives, and so on. The foundation may be different but the result is the same.
You know how every time you turn around, it seems as though you see an article from a relationship expert emphasizing how important self-confidence is? They do so because it is THE foundation for happiness and success in romantic relationships. When we feel worthless sitting across from a romantic partner, they see it. They feel it. And a quality man or woman who wants to commit to you, will find that to be problematic. Still others will take advantage of it.
I personally broke the toxic relationship cycle a few years ago after a horrific year-long experience with an emotional abuser who, incidentally, was also a bonafide sociopath (signed and sealed diagnosis from multiple psychiatrists). After the familiar post-breakup internal dialogue ended, I knew that the extraordinary anger which I had for both him and myself was poisoning me so I took every measure to get real with myself and heal.
I spent a year as a single person trying to learn how to love myself and work past the bitterness and self-loathing. That may sound cliché. I know it always has to me until I took it seriously. That’s when the positive changes started happening in my life.
When I met my now fiancé, I was already in a different head space. I was so scared to take that initial step with him. I still felt like a bit of a wounded bird but a much stronger one than I had been a year before. What I was most afraid of was falling back into a toxic relationship which had defined almost all of my relationship experiences before meeting him.
That didn’t happen, though. He asked me to take his hand and that he will take care of my heart. And he has.
Not only was I stronger with a completely different mindset about what love is all about, but I was lucky in that he was and is a great man.
So what about my weight? Until recently, nothing had changed there aside of the fact that I kept getting bigger and bigger throughout my adult life. I ate through my heartbreaks. I ate through my loneliness. I ate through the good times, too. I just plain ate. I didn’t understand why, despite more than 20 attempts to lose my weight over the past 20 years, I just couldn’t do it.
One day as I was searching Google, I came across some literature about food addiction and a light bulb went off. Long story short, I have been addicted to sugar and carbs my whole life, and every single attempt to lose my weight failed because I simply could not escape those set neuropathways in my brain.
I finally breathed a sigh of relief. When you have had THAT much failure at losing weight, you blame yourself. You feel powerless. You feel desperate for a solution. And I have finally found my solution – it has been changing my life every single day.
67 days ago (and 4 years into this relationship), I approached my fiancé and told him that I think I found a way to take control of my eating. He replied with, “Anything you want to do, honey, I’m with you.” He has always made me feel beautiful. He has NEVER ever mentioned my weight. He just tells me that I’m beautiful…always. I know that I have his support no matter what. Isn’t that the way it should be?
In these past 67 days, I have lost exactly 40 pounds (This is how I did it, if you are interested). I feel like a totally different person. In control for the very first time in my life, so much more healthy and happy, and I finally, FINALLY feel hope when it comes to my eating.
I know that reading this, you will probably understand how I feel. Being a woman in Western society does not allow you a lot of leeway when it comes to loving ourselves exactly the way we are. However, it’s more than just about the way we look. It’s about feeling right in your own body. It’s about finally letting go of that incessant internal chatter about food and what you are putting in your mouth. It’s about letting go of the obsession, the negative self-talk which leads to such poor life choices, and feeling free. It’s about loving yourself and being proud of yourself because you’ve done everything you can to treat your body well. At any size, that does wonders for your self-esteem and self-worth.
I don’t know the future and where I’m going to end up, but today, I’m full of hope and inspiration. I love my soon to be husband, and I’ve forgiven myself for treating myself so poorly in the past. Living better and doing better is possible for every single one of us. We just have to be brave enough to live in truth and try.
Sending my love,