You love your phone, right? Of course you do. It is probably quite literally an extension of yourself. You call, you text, you email, you like, you surf, you scroll, you …
Well that’s great and all, but did you know that the very same phone that you love and cherish could be ruining your sex life!?
This is usually when everyone’s heads lift up (from their phones), and people take notice.
If you’ve been experiencing any issues whatsoever in the boudoir … it very well could be your phone that is the culprit. And here’s why:
- You think “xoxoxo” and “I <3 you” is the same as the real thing.
Let’s start at the beginning. Before meaningful, amazing sex can happen, you have to have the buildup. That buildup is based on things like touching and caressing and hugs and kisses and expressive conversations about real feelings.
In other words, not just an “xoxo” every once in a while.
You’ve gotta connect.
And if you want to have an actual connection with your partner—one that will be the base for great sex, mind you—you need to get your nose out of your screen and talk with your partner in real life.
- Try This! A lot of the connecting happens in the evening when you two are done with work and ready to relax. The next time you’re both home together, make it a rule that you’ll avoid phones (and all screens) for at least 1 hour and just talk or at least do something other than scrolling through social media and email. Go for a walk, eat a snack, or even just lounge and gab. It’s good for ya.
- You’re letting it interrupt the actual act.
A phone going off during sex? Talk about a passion killer. Phones can be the saboteur of intimate relationships out of the bedroom, but they can also kill the mood during the actual act of sex. And if you even think about actually answering the phone or looking at the text or the email or the Snapchat or whatever it is … you need to seriously rethink your choices. And also consider that your partner may never have sex with you again.
- Try This! It’s easy: When you’re about to have sex, turn off your phones! Better yet, keep your phone on silent while your at home or at least when you’re spending intimate moments with your sweetie. How difficult is it to simply check it every once in a while for missed calls or texts? (We know you’ll do it anyway.) Also, take a look at this next reason …
- You’re not keeping the “2 Activities Only” bedroom rule.
Ever heard the rule that your bedroom should only be used for two things: sleeping and sex? Well, it’s a great rule to have, especially if you are having trouble making quality sex an important part of you and your partner’s routine.
- Try This! Many people don’t want to sleep without their phone by their side, and that’s understandable. You may need it for your alarm clock, and it makes you feel safe to be able to make calls if you might need to in the middle of the night. But do consider making it a rule not to “scroll where you sleep.” Laying in bed with your partner is a time to cuddle, chat, and dream, not talk mechanically as you stare into your screen for hours on end. (Bonus: This rule will help you sleep better!)
- Your “together time” is screen-based.
Aha, you “spend a lot of time together” hmm? Is that so?
Unfortunately, hanging out on the couch with the TV on and your phones in front of you is not together time. Nor is it together time when you go to a restaurant and start scrolling through Instagram and taking photos of your food and choosing filters for your photos and …
Once again, it’s important to actually have some connection when you’re together.
- Try This! This one’s easy. Out of site out of mind. When you spend time together, put the phones away. In the other room, in your purse, in your pocket. Just put them away. Also, turn them off. If you have trouble differentiating “together time” from non-together time, just try to enact this rule when you’re on dates. And by the way, you should be going on dates.
- You’re getting sucked into FoMO and comparing yourself to others.
FoMO is “Fear of Missing Out,” and it can happen to anyone. It occurs when you look at someone else’s lives (usually through pictures, videos, or status updates) and get anxiety and stress about not doing the same or similar. It’s often linked to chronic envy and low self-esteem.
Anything can trigger these feelings, but most of it can be linked to social media.
- “Ugh, their meal looks so much better than ours.”
- “Oh my gosh, she lost so much weight. I’m fat.”
- “They travel so much, and I never go anywhere.”
- “Wow, look at their relationship. They are perfect. ”
That last one’s a doozy. They are perfect.
The trick with these feelings is that they’re not based in reality, but when you get sucked into them, they can certainly change your reality. And usually not for the better. Couples may see difficulties in their union because they can’t stop wondering why they aren’t like so-and-so or why they never go on “spontaneous road trips.” This can be toxic.
- Try This! The key here is to get your nose out of that world. You need to start “looking past the cute couple selfie.” Do you ever think about what probably happened right after that cute picture was taken? A 40 minute lull where they both filtered and retouched the same photo while trying to be the first to upload it to their respective social media sites. If you don’t want to quit social media altogether, just make sure you have your head on straight, and remember that “Things are not always what they seem.”
In general, phones are a double edged sword for relationships. They help us keep in touch … but they also keep us farther apart. If you are having trouble with your sex life, consider that your phone may be part of the problem. And use some of the tips found in this article to rev things back up again. Good luck!