Do You Value Yourself Enough To Shut Him Down?

5 Powerful Truths (and the last one is the biggest!)

 

1. It’s painful to be someone’s “on the side” girlfriend.

He’s shown that he hasn’t really ended it with his ex. They share a car and now they live together again. Clearly she has most of his time and attention, and anyone else he develops a relationship with is going to come second (or third, or fourth, or whatever).

 

2. You know what you want in a relationship.

And it ISN’T to be “some girl he texts when he’s bored.” Amen to that, sister – who in the world aspires to that? That sounds about as fun as a boiled ice cream sandwich. (Ew, just grossed myself out.)

Valuing yourself means keeping clear sight of your goals, and you’re doing that!

 

3. Players play.

You mentioned the fact that you suspected early on that he was a bit of a player… In fact, he even told you he wasn’t looking for “anything serious.” If he’s a player who is living with his ex, his efforts to keep in touch with you feels to me like “but it would be great to have a bootie call now and then.” And unless you’re interested in the same, you should steer clear. Which you did. Yay, you!

 

4. You’ve communicated reasonably well.

Not ONLY did you figure out that he was still attached at the hip to his ex, and you speculated that he might go back to her… And you were right. Now, there may still be something between them, or it may be purely practical (meaning she’s willing to have him as a roomie because it’s easier than finding a new one).

Either way, he…

Doesn’t WANT anything serious
Isn’t in a good place (i.e., living with his ex) to start anything serious
And it sounds to me like you’ve mostly let him know that you want more. (More on that in a moment.)

 

5. You clearly VALUE yourself.

Sometimes we have such low self-esteem that we’re desperate for a little male attention – no matter what kind it is. Some women get trapped in abusive relationships this way. And even if it’s not abusive in any way, it still may not be the kind of attention we were looking for.

There are plenty of guys who are interested in sex only, and there are women who are willing to give it to them. But when you have one partner who is interested in sex, and the other wants MORE than that BUT HAS LOW SELF-ESTEEM – and therefore is willing to give sex in return for at least a little attention – then you have a mess. I’m so glad that’s not you, because it’s a miserable, dream-killing place to be.

Here’s where you could improve, if he’s still texting you…

Remember where I said you communicated “reasonably” well? Obviously I don’t have much to go on, but you wrote “I said if he ever wants to share or be honest I’m happy to chat but otherwise don’t contact me.”

I think I understand what you mean here, but he might not. The “don’t contact me” is clear as a bell, but the “share” and “be honest” parts are less so. Guys don’t do subtlety. You have to describe straight out what you mean, rather than use terms that could be interpreted a dozen ways.

For you, I think “being honest” means that you’re willing to date him if he’s not seeing or living with another woman. So say that, instead.

For you, I think “sharing” means he regularly tells you his feelings (which is pretty hard for ANY guy), OR that he returns the feelings YOU have. Which ever one of those you meant, he’ll better understand your terms if you lay them out clearly.

But for the most part, he knows the ball is in his court — if he figures himself out here, he just may win a prize. But you’ll have to wait and see. Meanwhile, date, date, date! I think you’re doing a fabulous job of valuing yourself and working toward the dreams you have. Stay strong, girlfriend – you’re incredible!

Love – Claire

About Claire:

Claire is the author of the amazing best-selling online program “Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever.”

She blogs at Ask Claire Casey and devotes her writing to helping you attract the kind of man who will treasure and protect your heart like the rare and beautiful gem it is. You can take Claire’s Love Number Quiz (it’s free) and make this YOUR year for love! 

Source: Digital Romance, Inc.

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1 comment

  1. Oh Claire,

    Do I need your help!! I am that girl that did not have low self-esteem, was not looking for a boyfriend, a date, or a booty-call when I seen him…. A guy I actually did a double take to his smile again and then again. A few moments later I realized we were with the same group of people and a good friendbof mine was our mutual friend connection and she turned into “match maker”. He and I hit it off instantly talked on the phone until 6am the next AM, no we did not kiss nor sleep together that 1st night either, just a very sweet & long embracing hug before going our seperate ways. He came over 2 days later and I cooked him dinner and watched a movie, still didn’t sleep with him but we were affectionate. After that for the next 12 mos he was with me pretty much most nights, maybe spent 5 total nights away from me In a months time. After month 8, I noticed him to be on his phone at night texting, was coming over later at night to spend the night, meeting friends for a beer with lunch or happy hour, I only went with like 2x a month due to my work schedule. I asked him letting him know that I would NEVER be “the other girl” nor the regular keeper that sits home while he’s just partying it up. I was not the jealous type until I caught him in a little white lie that escalated because he was talking to another girl, was asking her to dinner, they never ended up going anywhere, he told her he couldn’t communicate with her anymore and didn’t until month 16 (or who knows when really) when we were living together. 2 months after I moved in everything went downhill fast, he was caught lying multiple times and on a dating website talking to girls in other states just chatting & texting but he just tries to continue liee about ALL of it, gets defensive, and threatens me (not physically) but if I dont shut up he will stop loving me, kick me out, leave the house when I fall asleep that night., etc. He has killed the vivaciousness and fun girl I once was. We’ve been together 19 mos today, I did leave the house a week ago though but he’s been with me every night since except 1. I love this man, we connect or used to, our kids & families are involved now, we’re passionate, funny … BUT, as I type this he got I dont know 15-20 text msgs, when I asked who from he completely ignored the question. I don’t want to feel this way, it hurts my heart, soul, & spirit. But, I feel like we could be so very happy if the lies, manipulation, and constant flirting stopped. I dont think he can/or will give any of those up….. HELP!!!