How do I get over a married man?

Lip Service Question

The background of my story – I am a single 46 year old woman, I have been on my own for 5 years now and up until this situation I had not met anyone who had that special something. I met a guy, our chemistry was instant and undeniable for both of us. Problem – he is married. I am a moral woman and am loyal to the sisterhood and would never betray it…well, until now. He relentlessly pursued me via Facebook messages for a year, I told him to go numerous times, I unfriended him numerous times, he kept coming back.   Before you start screaming ‘why did you accept his requests and continue to reply to him’ please understand I am lonely and HONESTLY could not move away from my attraction to him – I believe in destiny and truly believe that if the timing was better he would be my soul mate, and in weak moments of selfishness allowed myself to enjoy his attention. I have again told him to go, and he seems to be respecting my request this time which is a good thing morally and spiritually.
My question to you …. I cant stop thinking about him, yearning for him and missing him. Apart from the obvious solutions of time and moving on (I have tried these and they are not working), I need to know what to do about my heartache for this man. I go to sleep thinking about him, he is in my dreams, I wake up with him in my mind. Just so you know, I am independent self sufficient woman, I am not needy in any way, this has never happened to me before. I am confused and don’t know what to do with these unfamiliar emotions. ~Anonymous

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53 comments

  1. What you have here is a taker. If he felt as much for you he would not be emailing from the comfort of his wife’s home.
    While you go to sleep thinking of him, don’t you wonder what he’s doing to his wife? Jeepers.
    if he were with you wouldn’t you wonder who he’s emailing on facebook?
    Find someone single!

  2. Been there….Sometimes we have to woman up and do what we need to do. The best thing is to shut him out of your life completely no matter how diffucult it is. It is best to stop talking about it , listening to songs that make you think about it, stop driving past places that remind you of him, if you think about him change your thoughts to something else. Doing this and time are the only things that will help. Also find other things to occupy your time. Exercise is a great one!

  3. I can relate, because I was that married man type you are talking about. The difference was that my wife and I were headed for a divorce, and in fact had not been intimate at all for several years. I met my version of you in person, and we did connect for several days before heading back from a conference to our real lives. In the end, when my marriage ending was finalized, my version of you had moved on, but I was still in love with her. Sometimes the timing IS JUST WRONG, and not all men who do this are players or cheats. Sometimes they are just good guys with rotten timing.

    1. This is refreshing to hear. I also have a similar situation. I met this “man” when I was 15 and he was 18. He and I were strongly attracted then but he was involved. We went our separate ways and years after my marriage failed, he and I reconnected on fb after 37 years. He is still married but said he and his wife hadn’t made love in half their married years (now 40 years). We were/are in love. It went on for three years to the point that I sold my house of 29 , moved half way across the country, got a job making 1/2 I made, re established myself, bought a house, and we had decided to move in together. We spent a beautiful Saturday together. Literally overnight, he told me “his soul told him not to do this.” He broke my heart. He says he still loves me but we don’t communicate, and he is staying with his wife. I believe timing “is a bitch.” Sigh ….

  4. I’ve been exactly where you are and for the same reasons: there was something about him that felt like Fate. He dumped me 2 years ago because he couldn’t cheat on his wife. Normally I would find that wonderfully honorable in a man, but not this time. I was in agony over him for two years, made worse by the fact that we work for the same company, so I see him often. But I learned more about real love from him than from anyone I’ve ever known.

    I believe that two people who have that connection are able to communicate on a spiritual level, even when they can’t be together physically. Write letters to him in your journal (don’t send them.) Talk to him in your mind and in your dreams. Be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself as you would love him.

    My story seems to have a happy ending. Someone new has come along who is even better than the married one; we fit like hand in glove and he is single. It’s like all of the lessons I learned from the first were just to prepare me for the next. This relationship happened for your emotional and spiritual growth; time will heal the wounds, trust me

    1. I’m so glad to find this blog. I’m currently in a very confused situation. And i too fell inlove to a married man. Started as an emotional affair 3 yrs ago and end up with a full blown sexual affair. and now, seems like we can’t just seem to get enough of each other. I am married and he was married when we started the emotional affair but when he left his work where I also work , we were able to stop all communication for at least 1 year and even if we know where to find each other, we tried not to reach each other, maybe because of the guilt that we’ve felt towards our own spouse. But then recently, after 1 year of not having any contact, we reconnected in the email not because we want to see each but because of one previous co-worker that died which happen to be closed to both of us. The moment we respond to that email, he start start telling me that he often think of me and miss working with me. Not sure how it started but when he said those words, adrenaline start pumping back in my mind that all the repressed memory start running in my mind unstoppable. To make the long story short, he also mentioned that he’s heading for divorce not because of me but because he and his happy are no longer happy together. Then one thing lead to another, we ended up seeing again for the first time after a year of being disconnected and the moment we see each other, everything just went back to how we left, feelings are still very strong and we just want to be with each other again. The problem is, he’s heading for a divorce but I am not. although I’m not closed and happy with my spouse anymore, I never thought of getting adivorce. Not sure because of my faith? or guilt that I’ve been feeling for the past few years. My husband doesnt know I’m having this affair nor don’t have the intention of telling him. But the problem is, my lover is occupying all the space in my mind that I can’t think of anything for the past 3 years that to be with him sometimes. I want to forget about him and I really tried but seems like the more I tried to prevent him, the stronger the feeling I have for him. Not sure if I’m inlove with him?

    2. Thank you so much for this. I am a week out of the exact same situation! I am devastated, and completely heartbroken, but ended it because it had to be done! 3 years we were together. I have been finding it incredibly difficult to find anything positive that could positively come out of this .. and normally I am an extremely positive person. Your post immediately made me feel better, and gave me hope. Thank you. I want to say to those who judge … You cannot possibly understand until you are in the situation. I certainly didn’t set out to fall in love with a married man … but I have learned that we cannot choose who we fall in love with. Judge not, lest you be judged.

      1. So true of a statement regarding judgment. Same situation … neither one of us would have been involved with someone had they been married. I am divorced but he is still married. He and I met when I was 15 and he had just gotten married at 18 years old back then (yes, only 18); and he and his wife are still married after 40 years. He had told her he was leaving her, after we had been together for 2 1/2 years. Then literally the night before we were to move in together he said: “My soul – spoke to me – last night and told me not to do this.” He has completely wrecked me as a human being. I am slowly, after five months, trying to free myself of this impossible situation. Just last week my A/C broke, and this is his business … after calling someone else and them not returning my call, and living in a rural area (that he set me up in) and knowing no one else, he surprised me by texting to say he would fix it for me. I made sure not to “touch” him first but at some point he got very close to me and said “I miss holding you” and we held each other tight and we both cried. But … he and I have not talked since and I am trying very hard not to contact him. I have loved him all my life. I just turned 55. Yet I know we will never be, unless she passes. I do believe had he not been married, this would never have even been an issue. I know he loves me but he is going to stay true to his vows (yes, he broke them with me, twice, when he was 18 and again 37 years later). It truly is a heart breaking situation. There is nothing to do but walk away and try, every single day, to not contact him. Sigh …

    3. Thank you for posting this. I am in a same situation and am trying desperately to move on and get him
      Out of my heart and mind.

  5. So heres the deal… I know exactly how you feel… i have the unfortunate tendency to fall for men I shouldn’t and I know the way you feel very well. There is a book I’ve read called “the female brain” that explained this annoying little phenomenon. Infatuation, love, kissing, hugging, sex and other related things all create a chemical cocktail in our bodies equivalent to a hit of heroin. The amount of endorphins released becomes like a drug that ties us to each other to encourage breeding and family bond. When these things are taken away our bodies go into withdraws like a druggie coming clean. It can wreak massive havoc in our bodies and minds… which is why we cant eat or sleep or function after a break-up… but if you are aware of whats happening you can find things that help. find productive ways to distract yourself and get some of those endorphines back that don’t involve him. Remove everythng from your life that reminds you of him… or find something else to associate with that thing, just like you would with a drug addict trying to stay clean. It takes time to detox from someone who made you feel so good but it will get easier with time if you are good to yourself and dont let it take over. Best of luck from one who knows.

  6. I am in the same position– with a few minor twists… We dated for a little while 30 years ago. He found me on Facebook. He lives 200 miles away with his (2nd) wife and 4 young children. We have spent 2 weekends together – and have spent time with his family each time: visited grandmother in nursing home (spent the night at his aunt’s house) and went to his great-aunt’s funeral (sat with the family). His wife works nights – so we FaceTime every night. I know he loves me (as much as he is capable of loving anyone) and I love him. He has never said he wants to leave and make a life with me. I know what we are doing is wrong and unfair to everyone involved — even me (yes, I know some of you will think that statement is ridiculous). Yes, there are problems in his marriage – that I did not cause. He was “looking” because there were problems. I don’t feel too bad about hurting his wife – she’s an adult and should have seen to it that there was no reason for him to stray. The kids tho— that’s another story. I don’t want to see innocents hurt. But I’ll even rationalize that to myself —– kids have divorced parents all the time, they’ll be better off not seeing the acrimony and fighting. But the bottom line is (which I have only figured out right now – as I’m writing this) – the bottom line is- HE IS HURTING ME. no chance of a life with him, a future. Yet I’m spending all my time sitting at home — talking to him. Decreasing my chance of meeting someone who is available to love me. He is a selfish asshole for even putting me in this position. Ego trip for him? Mid-life crisis? Doesn’t matter what it is – just that it is – and it’s not right for us. So — Anonymous — we both need to start living for OURSELVES – not for some jerk – even one that we happen to have wonderful chemistry with and love…

  7. I have been there. I to met a 46 year old married man on facebook. Kinda did the same thing. LOL. Might be the same guy. Who knows. We dont speak now. And all is good but i get how you feel.

  8. unfortunately,mine is not advice,as i too am in this situation and can’t walk away.I too,work with my married man,in fact he’s my boss.i split with my long term partner shortly after starting work at this company,i was utterly heart broken.a few months after the break up,my boss started complimenting me via facebook,which i just took for him being nice,until he explained he was looking for something with me,he explained it wouldnt go any where as he was married and i guess knowing i wouldnt be wrecking a marriage,i actually thought it would be the only way to get over my ex.over 2 years down the line,its still going on and i see no way of ending it as i love him.hes so supporting and caring.but i get so lonely,especially at christmas and birthdays.his wife has health issues and she also has 2 young children (not his)they got married in under a year of meeting and had been married under 2 years when he started seeing me,i sometimes wonder if he actually knows the true meaning of love,how could he do this to her?why is he with her?nothing makes sense really,i apologise for this comment being all over the place,but my heads a mess with it all,i suppose i just want you to know you’re not alone xx

  9. Do you people not gave a moral compass? There is always someone or people on the other side of what you are doing! You are so selfish to think that you deserve love at the cost of others. I was the wife in one of your situations. I worked 6 twelve hour night shifts per week. My husband was a stay at home Dad. He was starting his business at home and we were a happy family. I however got to be exhausted using my one day to try to make my kids feel loved, all four of them I left my husband wanting more. There was a plan in place and as soon as he had income I could work less, have more energy, be more patient and could show him AND the kids the attention they needed from moe. The light at the end of the tunnel was so close! Then one of you selfish women decided to tell him how you had been FB stalking him and you thought he had a wonderful soul by his posts? And that you had an aaawwwwwmmmaaaazzzziiinngg crush on my husband!
    I was oblivious to the fact this was going on because I was always working, sleeping or paying attention to kids. Remember I am still looking forwArd to our Chang in situation being awesome for the family.
    One day I took our special needs son to Vanderbilt Children’s hospital for surgery. While I was waiting I needed to far on his FB to get a telephone number from a message. I stumbled across a four hour long sexual conversation between my husband and a woman we will call HW. I sat there In shock and disbelief for a moment and then started convulsing with sobs and tears right there in the middle of the hospital corridor. The next thing I know my vindictive side which I had until that moment not known, took over! I screen shot the whole conversation and posted it to his wall and tagged HW. I then waited for my son gathered him up and went home. Never to be the same again!!! The person I had given my everything to for 16 years could not even wait for just a little while longer for us to get back on track. All because some woman decided it was her place to solicit my husband and feed his ego and tell him what he wanted to hear at the time. You people make me sick!! Now my kids have to live apart from their father and I have lost my life partner to betrayal and an immoral woman!

    1. As much as you may want to blame these women and call them names, they owe you nothing as they made no commitment to you. The only person in the world of marriage who owes you anything is your husband

      1. Well said. Don’t these women realize their husband is an active, willing participant? Have they not heard of the saying “it takes two to tango?” There is something broken in their relationship for one person to stray … if there is children, forget it. In my case there wasn’t even children and he ended up staying with her, even though I believe he loves me. It is a no win situation for the person who is alone. And the cheater? They get their cake and eat it, too. They aren’t “man” enough to leave their unhappy situation, or leave their money …. walk away…. unless he leaves her.

  10. Denice you are as heartless as the woman you blame for destroying your marriage. These women are honest about their situation and their lives and it is a process. Your bitterness should be directed to the one that is responsible for your heartache, that is your husband. He made a vow to you and he broke it, he is a grown man and he had the choice to refuse any advances to him. Even if he liked the attention the choices were still his to only keep it at mere flirtation. I understand you are hurt for you and your children but I too was the wife that was cheated on, and he ended up leaving me and my daughter for the other woman, but you know what. I got over it, because if he would cheat on me, he did not deserve me and now I have the opportunity to do better and be happier. Nothing is set in stone with love. We are all searching for someone to make us feel wonderful and to fill that void. Your husband did not deserve you and so now you have the opportunity to rise above your pettiness and take responsibility for your life and kids. My husband and I are now divorced but he is still a great father to our special needs daughter, actually he is better than when we were together, so that is no merit as to your kids losing their father, he can still be a great dad to them. I do not condone the actions above, but I do understand that sometimes we neglect our partners and we think there is time to make it right. There is not, in your next relationship you will be better prepared. As for those above keep trying to do what is right for yourself not for the other person, you may keep failing but one day you will get it right and move on.

    1. Great advice. I, too, was the one cheated on. And NEVER thought I would be involved with a married man. Yet I find myself in love with a married man who told his wife he was going to leave her and then changed his mind and didn’t move in with me after I altered my entire life to accommodate “us.” The heart loves who it wants to love. Fact. Neither my ex-husband or my ex-lover, or myself are bad people – it happened. We never could have dreamed in a million years it would. But it never is one person’s fault. There is no homewrecker. The situation was already wrecked, or otherwise it wouldn’t have happened.

  11. Not sure of his situation but I am married, unhappy, sexless for years. My soul mate has the same situation. We have an understanding that he loves his wife & in a different time &ddifferent place it would be us. I love my husband, he is one of my best friends, but he let me go emotionally. My man that is far & away in so many ways is here for me emotionally & feels me. Yes, we have met, the first time we weren’t planning on anything but getting to know each other. There are times, everyday, that I know where his loyalty lies but feel so lucky that someone saw me for what I am & heard my heart & soul. He will always have my heart & I am lucky to have had anything like this in my heart. So…my advice…really listen to his situation at home, know he has obligations it may lead you to bigger better things. Embrace the love knowing that it can disappear as quick as it gets there and keep your heart & mind open for all that is around you. Best thing is that you are not needy & independent..that is another part of you that most men will desire!

  12. I am the wife in the same situation. My husband had an affair for three years with the same HW. She calls our house all times day or night. She has written comments on my Facebook comments to my husband. My husband decided to end the affair and work on keeping our marriage an family together. She may have not known he was married but so is she vi told her to stop calling our home and my husband. She just will not stop. We have done everything just short of changing our number, which at this time is not an option. Once you know the man is not single or in the middle of a divorce, the children are the ones that suffer the consequences of their lives being turned upside down. They blame themselves and just want things back as it once was. I do not feel sorry for any one that gets involved with a married person.

  13. Home wrecker move along…sounds like he is getting off on you and keeping what he has at home other wise he would leave. Find someone single.

  14. Just split from one who has a live in longterm gf .Said relationship virtually over no love etc .Probably true he’d been going on about problems pre getting to know me.Got involved started to fall in love .The situation he was in was all he’d go on about ..he says he doesnt love her so why doesnt he leave ?.Hes not married no children and supposedly unhappy.Its upto you I couldnt bare to be an option.If someoneone treats you like an option narrow their choices.Remove yourself from the equation.Its as easy as that.Its not worth the pain for all concerned.I saved myself alot of pain further down the road.Itd been a wholelot harder if hed let me go which inevitably he wouldve.Save yourself the pain.Find someone who can be yours fulltime .Gd luck.

  15. TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE WRITTEN ON HERE..2 MONTHS AGO AN AFFAIR ENDED WITHH A MARRIED MAN..I FELL COMPLETELY TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND IN LOVE COMPLETELY FOR THE FIRST TIME. I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA LEAVE HER..WE WERE PERFECT TOGETHER. ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN. I HAVE BEEN IN HELL, SUFFERING, CRYING AND BAD EPRESSION SINCE. HE COULDNT BING HIMSELF TO “HURT HER”..THEY R MARRIED A LONG TIME. OMG ITS BEEN SOOO HORRIBLE. NOT WORTH WHAT IM GOING THRU. IM ONLY OK FOR MIINUTES AT A TIME…I NEVER EVER IN MY LIFE EVER LOVED ANYONE LIKE THIS OR HAD SUCH A PERFECT CONNECTION..WE R ALSO FROM THE SAME NEIGHBORHOOD BUT NEVER MET AS KIDS..ANYWAY IT IS NOT WORTH WHAT IM GOING THRU..MY HEART FEELS LIKE IT WENT THRU A PAPER SHREDDER. IM CRYING CONSTANTLY..I HAVE A LOT OF HELP FROM FRIENDS AND MY SISTER..ITS NOT HELPING. THE DEVASTATION IS COMPLETE..AS WAS MY LOVE FOR HIM. WE STILL KEEP IN TOUCH A LITTLE BIT..I AM NOT READY TO PERMANENTLY END IT AND NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN WHICH IS OF COURSE WHAT I KNOW I HAVE TO DO EVENTUALLY..IM OVERWHELMED…THIS GRIEF IS MESSING W EVERY PART OF MY LIFE. I NEVER KNEW U COULD HURT LIKE THIS. JUST DIDNT KNOW..I DO NOW. WHEN I REALIZED I FELL IN LOVE W HIM I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT FOR MANY MONTHS…DIDNT TELLA SOUL..NOT MY SISTER, BEST FRIEND, NO ONE. WISH I DID. IT WASNT WORTH THIS HELL IM IN NOW.

    1. Gagaluvr, how are you doing now? Your post was heart wrenching. I too am in the same type of hell right now. The pain is beyond intense. I am wondering if you’re doing better now. It might give me some hope.

    2. Been there; done that. He is married for 40 years but they have no children and it was like a “roommate” situation. He told her he was leaving her but ended up staying with her and breaking my heart. Since I have went thru this, my advice is to, and you won’t want to hear this – I didn’t – walk away and try your utmost best to not have anything to do with him ever again – unless he leaves her. Otherwise it is a no win, lonely, heart breaking situation for you. Good luck.

    3. i know exactly what u mean gagaluvr. im going through the same emotions and there is absolutely no one i can talk too. 🙁

  16. I feel the same way as the ladies above. I have been messing with a married man for the last past two Years, we have a connection that i can not explain. Him and his wife are not seeing eye to eye way before i came in the picture. They live together with two children but sleep in different rooms. She is not well to my understand. I have two children as well are children hang out together and always talk on the phone. he is 20 years older than i, i love him with all my heart, and the way that I’m feeling right know is that he is not going to leave her. Happy or not, he is the one taking care of her and the children. I’m looking for more n not getting it, young and still have my life ahead of me. what should i do? I want to stop having sex and just be friends, but he do not want that, saying that he loves me and will do anything for me and my children. ladies should i move on n still be his friend or cut him off for good?
    Heaven

  17. OP, read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, especially in relationships. Sounds like you’ve got yourself one; your guy may have it. Regardless whether you think he matches up or not, you’re still setting yourself up for heartache and my advice is to move along. Go No Contact and let yourself heal. You deserve way better.

  18. Oh sweetheart! I feel your pain, reading your story was like reading my own thoughts xxxxx I haven’t done anything physical with mine but fighting it daily, totally get the first thing in the morning, last thing at night then the bugger gets into your dreams! I know you feel totally consumed and maybe even a little crazy?! Like you say … Time and patience with get you through, but until then you have to get busy, I was never one for classes or meeting new people but I’ve forced myself to to stop me from going full on batshit crazy! No matter how wonderful this man is for you, he is not available and has now cheated on his wife, if he was that great he would if left her first… If he was decent or felt the same way he would have told her and came back to you with his suitcase. Find your worth and know that you are worth so much more than being someone else’s distraction and ego booster, you are not a toy you are worth one heck of a lot more. Your morals are high, keep them there! Xxxx

    1. I have been with a married man for the last 11 yrs. Although we do not see one another regularly, we talk daily. It’s hard for me to believe its only physically, as that’s the smallest part of our relationship. I truly love this man and I know he loves me. His wife found an email from me and it came apart last night. He told me today and my heart breaks, not only for him, but for his wife. I had no intention of taking him from his marriage, maybe I did emotionally. He doesn’t know what to do. I personally don’t believe I should be in any decision he makes. He needs to make that decision for himself. I told him I was backing away. it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

      He’s my best friend, the one I go to when I need advice. He was so much more than a lover. We live like 200 miles apart and sometimes only see one another once a year. There have been times I didn’t even see him once a year. There is such a huge hole in my heart right now, I don’t know what to do or think. I know i need to move on from this. I’m going to really try. He hasn’t messaged me since I told him this and I hope he doesn’t. I don’t want to hear he is okay with this. I don’t want to hear he doesn’t want me to leave. I’d just like to think it’s as hard on him as it is me.

      God, I’m so sorry. So So Sorry. I was married and cheated on, and I wonder about myself. How could I do this. It’s so true, not all bad people do this. Sometimes we grasp and what we are missing in life, it feels so good to be loved, appreciated, listened too.

  19. I am in the same situation. And right now, i’m not even sure if it is ending. We met in a dating site, started talking, decided to meet. We went out for awhile then he told me the truth that he was married. I had a choice to say no, but i was already falling. He and his wife have a problem. No more intimacy. He is not leaving her, and i don’t want him too. I am independent, very smart and driven woman and yet i stupid enough to fall for someone that couldn’t be mine. She always travels so when she is gone, we spend all that time together. I never demand anything. But latelt things have changed. All of a sudden, she decided not to travel anymore. She went with him to work and even insisted that they spend more time together. I am happy that hopefully, everything would be better for them. That somehow, she would try to put the intimacy back. She is no longer interested in kissing, having sex.
    I would be happy and yet i am also hurting. All i want right now, is to get over him.

  20. I love reading this. I am not the type person to post comments, indeed this is the first time ever. This letter mirrors an experience I had almost perfectly, olny I was on the other end of the stick. Unhappy in a marraige, but having Children is one of the most difficult decisions in the world, but it becomes a million times more difficult when you happen upon someone that completes you from the word GO. After a long covert relationship, during which I knew happiness that I had never known, she asked me to leave her be, and never contact her again. I have complied, though it has eaten me up inside. for sure. It has been a long time, but I still think of her everyday.

  21. I’m Also The Wife, You Make Me Sick, My Life & My CHildrens Lives Were Torn Apart By A Filthy Homewrecker That Couldn’t Keep Her Legs Closed & Find Her Own Man. 3 Years Later I’m Still Tormented Daily With Memories Even Though My Husband Came To His Senses & Came Back. I HoPe It Happens To You So You Can Appreciate Why Us Wives Are So Upset.

    1. Nice stereotypes…..takes two to tango, hon. If you were my guy’s wife, I’d tell him I now understand why he enjoyed our relationship so much and I wouldn’t break it off with him.

  22. I am in the process of leaving a married man who has pursued me for about 10 years now. I have only carried a relationship with him for about a year out of those 10 because twice I carried on and started a new relationship with someone who could give me what I needed 24 hours a day. The truth is that I love this married man and even though I walk away, I feel I will always love him. Us “homewreckers” don’t intend to steal another woman’s man, those men pursue us till we break. They catch us in a moment of weakness. I just wish that men would actually man up and leave their wives if they are so f’ing unhappy in their marriage. Why do they seak us out?

    1. Point well made. Neither party is the home wrecker. Their marriage was “wrecked” before the other person entered the picture – otherwise they would never have entertained the idea. In my case, I was divorced but he was married and they have no children. He and his wife hadn’t made love in 1/2 their 40 year marriage but yet he “loved” her. I understand that. I still love my ex-husband. Even though he cheated on me. I believed and trusted this married man I reconnected with after 37 years. He had told his wife he was leaving her and then the night before we were to move in together, he claims his soul told him not to do this. They are still together and I am alone. I will forever miss and love him, but we will never be. It is heart breaking. Yet is something that will continue till the end of time as we human beings were perhaps never meant to be monogamous. People grow apart and that is normal, particularly if one or both don’t work at their marriage. But that is not a reason to call the new person in the relationship a home wrecker. Things happen and we aren’t bad people. The heart falls in love with whom it wants to. It is truly maddening. Good luck.

  23. I am married and have been having an affair with a married man for twelve months. I decided to end it last night and sent him a message telling him i couldnt deal with being in love with someone that wasnt mine. I had never told him i loved him before. I am heartbroken, nothing less than what o deserve i know. This man lives opposite me so i have to see him every day. I have no idea how i will get through that. I love him so much.

  24. I am stunned to see each of you; both the broken hearted lovers and the broken hearted spouses are so similar in each of your accounts. Unfortunately, I also have become the woman I vowed to never be. It is so very true…you cannot help who you fall in love with. I have disconnected from this person 3x. Each of those x I SUFFERED physically, emotionally and mentally…as did he. 3x, he returned to me. There is an age difference of 13 years and the age gap was an issue for him. He had been with the same woman since high school and no other. He and I are Christian’s w/strong beliefs and have struggled with this relationship. He has been with her for 30 years +. He is a very kind and gentle man with 4 children. He works 40 plus hours a week and then sometimes over 100 additional hours per month to provide all that he can for his family. But for his wife, it is never enough. I have heard too many outsiders account to her lack of love, care or concern or respect for him. It is gut wrenching to learn the treatment he has received via this woman he has devoted his entire life to and to watch him crumble and weep as he confesses he is miserable and feels he has not ever been happy. When this began, I was married. My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive. When the relationship became unsafe physically, I left. My Married Love and I had been together 4 months at that point. What he and I have, was and is an emotional support for one another, respect for one another…admiration for one another and the most connected I have ever been to another person. I am in love with him and he is in love with me. Almost a year later he no longer feels guilt for loving me, still, he is just afraid to take that drastic step. Life changing and life altering for all of us, she is all he has known. He has decided over time that he is no longer in love with her. She is the mother of his children however. Everyone who knows us and is aware of the circumstances agrees we are meant to be. Not sure I will ever see the day we are just us. Although I can’t imagine being without him even one day, I know this can not last forever under these circumstances. He has asked me to be patient and I am trying. She has contacted me. I advised her she and her husband needed to address their issues. Only now she doesn’t have to acknowledge anything because I am the problem, not them, not her actions, but rather, those of the “HW “. This makes him sad and angry… He wants the children to be able to come around me and like me and she will label me forever. Of course, he and I agree… Each of the three of us is responsible for our own actions. Just as she left him right after their marriage for another person, and filed for divorce. He convinced her to return and try. Now he says, he knows he should have walked away. Now he is and feels trapped. She does not own her responsibility. YOU CAN NOT TAKE SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BE TAKEN AND YOU CAN NOT KEEP SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT TO BE KEPT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I try to keep hope and pray about the situation constantly. I take comfort in knowing we are not alone in this struggle and I WISH EACH OF YOU, regardless to the side of experience you are on, love, comfort and peace and healing… NO ONE would choose this with intention. I am ashamed of the process in which I have worked this relationship in but, not the LOVE I have for him. He is my best friend and I have learned so much, loved so much and received so much from this relationship. He has forever imprinted my soul. My preacher has always said he believed God brought people together for a reason and pulled them apart for a reason also. I know this, my love and I, have healed one another’s brokenness. He is so afraid of hurting or letting others down, Especially God. He does not want to hurt either of us but he is getting closer to me and wanting to be with me more each day. It hurts him that we are in this situation and he has tried to do the right thing by me as have I. The heart wants what the heart wants. When you have two broken individuals, who have been given such emotional abuse and scarring, and they can connect, heal and grow in and with one another… it creates a bond that can not be touched or destroyed. He has taken full responsibility for this relationship and prays for the burden to be his alone. However, you cannot love someone and allow them to carry it alone. Many days I feel foolish, discouraged and saddened by the circumstances. I often wonder if I should give up and walk away. But there is a force greater than my strength or my will that does not allow me to walk away. I have decided to give it one year. At that time I will have to access the circumstances, and the emotions, developments and options… Loving him less, is not one of them however.

    1. Oh how I feel for you. Never thought I’d find myself in similar situation.
      Mine is my best friend and was divorcing
      When we started hanging out more. We have always had much in common.
      Started having those feelings as time went on . Many
      Months into it found out wife is still living with him. He says its complex. No kids involved. While
      We haven’t slept together it’s been close. She is physically and mentally abusive so why wont he leave? Two years into this I’m so confused apparent while they live seperate lives he’s in no rush to divorce her for some reason. I don’t want to lose my best friend but once you cross certain lines turning off those feelings is impossible. He never discusses her and I stopped bringing it up. The stress I have caused myself is beyond words.

  25. I prayed to god for a man to come in my life who was everything and he did I didn’t know he was married when we began dating. We went out in public had amazing dates and sex. I found out he was married and I tried to stop seeing him because I knew it was wrong !! I slipped and saw him again for about two weeks a after I found out. Long story short he told me he did some soul searching and realized he can’t do this and he ended it and I am miserable !! I have tried to stop thinking about him but I can’t. I am in such a deep depression I genuinely feel he was something rare . It physically hurts what’s wrong with me?

  26. Wow, this is the first site I’ve been to that isn’t dominated by scorned wives screaming “Hussy! Tramp! Whore!” That is refreshing.

    I am in a similar situation. I’m in love with a married man. I knew him at work for almost a year before anything happened. I developed a crush on him at first, but he had a ring and i had been single and celibate for eight years. I wasn’t gonna ruin that track record…especially not for someone who could never be mine! Then we were involved in a work activity together and he asked me out for drinks after work a couple of weeks later. We had drinks two weeks in a row, some flirting going on. Texting after the second drink date. The following weekend was July 4th and his wife was going out of town. We watched fireworks and he came over Saturday and Sunday. And I swear, Sunday was the most perfect, the best, sex I’ve ever had. He told me his wife is just “plain vanilla” in bed. (I’m definitely not.)

    We developed a really weird bond. I would find myself thinking about him intensely at work and I’d get an email or text right then. He can tell, without any communication, what mood I’m in. And I have reciprocal feelings….a couple of weeks ago, his wife started giving him crap because she wasn’t getting any attention (sex). He was trying to figure out how to tell me we had to cool it when I got this baaaaaad feeling. Really bad. We have a weird connection.

    Anyways, he started off so attentive. Drinks after work on Fridays. Maybe coming by my place. See him every weekend when he was on his way home from his second job. He used to answer my texts promptly and would actually read my email. Lately, he’s started pulling back/pushing me away. My texts are ignored. He “scans” my emails and rarely writes back. It hurts. He doesn’t think he’s treating me any differently, but I can see it. When I point it out to him (with proof, I have every email and every text saved) he changes the subject.

    And now, just to add to the misery, he told me in February he is moving clear across the country (changing careers).

    I’ve tried to break it off. Probably not very hard. He is so damn charming, sooooo freaking gorgeous, incredibly sweet and nice (to me, anyways) and we always have a great time together. Meeting him in Memphis next week for an early Christmas celebration and I know I’ll be spoiled. I tell myself “He’s moving in six weeks. It’s gonna end.” He says he wants it to continue but I know it can’t. Long distance relationships don’t work; why does he think a long distance Situationship would work??

    I’m so sad, I really haven’t eaten in a week, can’t sleep more than two hours a night, I don’t want to do anything. The other night I prayed to God to take me in my sleep so I didn’t have to deal with the pain. Now I’m praying something happens and the job falls through (that’s horrible of me, I know).

    I wish I would have stayed single. I wouldn’t have to deal with this pain.

  27. I am so glad that I am not the only one. I met a man at work over a year ago. Then in April something about our friendship changed. Recently divorced I was not looking for anything serious and I apparently looked in the wrong place. “J” is married with 2 children. Over the past 7 months we have gone on trips, dates, dinners, lunches, breakfast, gifts flowers…. I mean the whole 9 yards. Alsthoguh in my mind I KNEW I was only given a small part f him but I truly thought that was all I needed. Until Sunday…. His wife downloaded some app on his phone that recovers all deleted information from a cell phone, she now knows EVERYTHING. Some of the details we will both “take to the grave” but at this point all I do is miss him and it has only been two days. The affair started as just sex but quickly turned into something more. There was no sneaking, he made me feel like I was the only woman in his world. His 14 year old daughter knows, she called him gross, I am now the whore and that is not me at all. His wife sent a mass message to all of the managers at our office (he is one of them but not directly in relation to my position). I am afraid if I look at him I will reak down. I am lost and do not know what to do. I just want to go back and erase it. I love him so much but I do not deserve to be with someone that cannot give themselves to me fully. He said he needs to fix “this” whatever that means… I have given him until 2/15 to decide what he wants. He said it is more than enough time for him to figure out what they are going to do. In the mean time I will write my thoughts down I guess…

  28. Hello everyone, im so glad I found this blog. I have been dating the guy of my dreams for the last 2 1/2 years. I recently found out he was married on my birthday December 8, 14. Im so hurt, I feel broken. How do I get over this man? I promise on everything I love, I never knew he was married! !!