I won’t be second fiddle.

Lip Service question – I won’t be second fiddle.  Please help out our friend by leaving us your thoughts.

I am currently in a unique situation. I’ve met a woman whose heart I connected with instantly several months ago. Our connection is evident in that we feel each other constantly. Have been together intimately several times and it goes beyond just the physical. Very spiritual in nature. We are opposite gender persons/mirrors of each other. Totally amazing experience. She is one of the sweetest, loveliest and loving women I’ve met, let alone had the privilege to be involved with. I’m definitely in love with her. But there are complications in her life that have forced me to reconsider the wisdom of staying involved with her at this time.

She is currently separated and going through the process of a divorce. I’ve always told myself that I wouldn’t consider being with someone who wasn’t at least a year beyond a finalized divorce, yet I compromised this initially because of our intense connection, and I held out hope for us to ultimately be together. Love conquers all, right?! The other complication is that there is another person she is involved with (long distance) who is the catalyst for her leaving her husband in the first place. I’m here as a local, he is overseas. I held out hope that I could be the “winner” of her heart and logically she would choose me because I’m here. Well, that hasn’t been the case.

She’s honest with me about everything and told me she wants to meet with him one more time this summer to see if he is “the one” .  She has been an amazing, beautiful participant in our relationship and I believe she truly loves me, but is feeling guilty about a lot of things in her life, about hurting other people she loves including me. She’s extremely confused about her future. All of this has forced me to question my heart’s decision-making ability since I can’t really trust her based on her past and current history with the other men in her life. It’s crushing me, but I had to end things with her recently. I felt like I had to honor myself enough to not be second fiddle to anyone in a relationship. I like myself enough to feel I deserve to be the priority, and I am certainly not that with her right now. This is the first time in my life where I’ve ended a relationship with someone I’ve wanted to be with SO badly.

Is this the right decision? Should have I just have been patient with her and clung to hope? My other question is, do I still hold out hope for her to clear up the other situations in her life? Whether that takes several months…or even several years? I consider her a soul mate, and I would honestly wait for however long it takes even if I know there are no guarantees. Feeling a crushing loss at the moment, but at least I have my dignity. Don’t really want to let her go, though. Any advice someone could offer would be most appreciated!

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29 comments

  1. Hi…you did the right thing!! Even if she is your soul mate, you DO deserve to be first in someone’s life!!! Honestly if she felt as strong for you..she would never want to meet the “oversea” guy…its brutal but true 🙁
    Stay true to YOU…Susan 😉

  2. Awww really feel for you, it seems a complicated web at the moment.. What stood out to me is when you leave someone for someone the problem is not someone its you.. I would fear that what your lady is capable of doing once she is capable of doing again.. She is seeking “the one” yet is their “one” for her.. She sounds like shes seeking perfection in some form, and connects deeply which is a beautiful thing, but it just rings of lack of connection and self love to me.. I can relate so Im not just standing on the outside making comments on something I don’t feel or understand within.. To enter a love affair and become so intensely connected and attached after not facing truths in other areas or working on self love to heal, will only create more hurt and repeated patterns down the track..
    All I can add to that is I believe you have done the right thing and when two people are destined to be together, time will offer you another opportunity when perhaps she has grown and healed and knows herself better or is indeed ready to recommit and not run again..
    Blessings to you and hope it works out for the best for you all..
    🙂

    1. Thank you very much for your very sage-worthy advice, Nel. I can tell you are the voice of experience in this regard. Very valuable insight that really helps makes me feel confident in my decision. She needs to do some self-love work for sure and I hope she does. She has a huge heart…as do you.

  3. I think your original decision to not get involved immediately is a good idea. Let her go, let her see this other guy if she wants, get some distance. That way, if she wants you, she really wants you, and you won’t have the “other guy” hanging over you. She probably needs time and space to get her head on and live life without her ex….

  4. …if you love something let it go ( and fingers crossed!), but Never be the second fiddle..you are not an option…good luck and god bless xo

  5. You absolutely did the right thing! She sounds desperately unhealthy, likely Narcissitic for which there is no cure. It’s very likely that she’s had several affairs throughout her marriage and ultimately wants this man from overseas to fall for her. She’s a game player. As soon as he falls for her she’ll dump him and move on. This will be her never ending cycle. Thank your luck stars you managed to get out.

  6. You did the right thing. If she loved you as much as you did her, she wouldnt want to meet the other guy. Plus with him being overseas it’s much easier to end things if she wanted to be with you. I know it hurts and our words arent bringing you much comfort. But you do deserve more than what you got.

  7. I think you did the right thing. You can only be certain of your feelings and her actions. She does not believe you are the one for her, since, as it is for you, it must be an intense and Unmistakable connection. Love and keep on loving yourself first and do not be an option to anyone. Do not keep up hope of getting together if there is another opportunity of love for you. LYF!!

  8. i know your situation all too well. stay seperated from her yet available too if You truly believe she is your soulmate…. date others…keep Your options open too…if it is meant to be it will. fate is a funny thing…. just dont wait around for anybody to decide if Your right for them…make sure they are right for you. if she were your true soulmate..my dear…you Wouldn’t be asking this very question now…she’d be yours without a care or thought to anybody else…just saying! good luck to you….

  9. Wow. Many thanks to all who offered your wonderful insights and advice. I think Mel said it best that if she were my true soulmate, I wouldn’t be asking these questions of this community. I feel stronger now that I’ve made the right decision for myself and I truly wish her all the best. She is a beautiful person deep down, just needs to do a lot of work on herself before being involved with anyone. My world is better for having known her and I can truly move on with a full, yet somewhat bruised heart. Not shattered, though. I am already healing and I’m going to hold out until the right one comes along, and I’m the right one for them as well. When that happens, there will be no doubt or confusion. I believe it’s what we all deserve. Here’s to all of you and your beautiful selves! Thanks, once again!

  10. I think she loves you and needs you. I think she wants you to be her number one and only. And I’m psychic.

    1. What would you advise I do, then, Bella? I don’t see how anything could be different if I don’t let her go to figure out her own stuff. This is nice to hear and I want it to be true, but the practical side of me says to leave her alone. Wouldn’t it be up to her to contact me if this is true? So far, I’ve heard nothing but silence from her. I have to assume she is moving on. I appreciate your input.

  11. Are you available? My psychic sense tells me she’s quiet because you are married and she’s afraid of being hurt. If someone was in a long relationship that was not intimate and loving for a good deal of time, there is a very good chance she is ready to move on and has had time internally to discover who she is and what she wants. If you are resisting you are the problem. No girl chases a man. Go rescue your princess before that other guy steps up. Signed, Bella

  12. and Bob I don’t want to argue, but seeing as the woman is always right…you need to call. Sorry Bob. That’s love.

    1. I am completely single and available…not married. Not resisting at all…in fact, I’ve been the pursuer. I would normally agree that it’s the man’s job to pursue the woman. Tried that. After having incredible moments together, she would then keep me at arms length when we were apart. I’ve been nothing but gentlemanly and manly in this regard. And patient. If I don’t set boundaries for myself, she’ll just keep me in this place of a secondary “option.” Too painful to go there again. I’ve made this clear to her. This is why I feel she has to show me I’m not secondary by reaching out if she truly wants me as her one and only. Not arguing either, just have learned to respect myself as well as the all important person in my life. I would consider being the one to break the ice and am open to any suggestion that would allow me to do so without putting me in the above mentioned position again. Seriously, I get what you’re saying and thanks for responding.

  13. Bob you must be very young, I think you are infatuated, as soon as you become her one and only, the magic spell will fade, and I’ll see you again asking for advice. seadog

  14. IF you truly love her and she’s your soul mate then you hold on tight. Tell her you love her and fight for her.

  15. Bob, I feel for you both. I would have things to say but I’d really love to know first if anything has changed since June? I think we sometimes try to run away from our soulmates because they shatter us to the core, and she was not in a place at that moment in her life to deal with so much at once and you have to forgive her for that. The trouble is, the ideas we have of what our ideal partner is can be so misleading, and in a state of confusion, we wouldn’t know our soulmate even if s/he were delivered with a “Soulmate’ tag signed by the universe itself! 😀 Anyway, the fact that you managed to reach her then and that she was with you tells me her overseas man isn’t exactly that ideal. It was natural than she wanted to make sure if he was the one, otherwise you’d always have the pink elephant in the room, wondering what if. I’m also glad you decided to take the risk and get involved emotionally even though her divorce wasn’t over – we cannot always have the perfect conditions to appear in someone’s life. I hope you fought for her, but mostly I truly hope you have both found your way, to each other or to yourself, or hopefully both.

    1. Hi Eve,

      Thank you for responding and asking. Soulmates are indeed impactful creatures that can wreak havoc in one’s life as she has done in mine. In love and light, this is what happened.

      A lot of water has passed under the bridge since June. In August after went to see the overseas guy, we ran into each other and reconnected again intensely and for several months; some of the best and loving times in my life. Although not completely done, she was phasing him out of her life…and I was hopeful yet cautious. Then she told me he was coming here in November. I knew that was my boundary. November is when she would have to decide or I was done. I couldn’t take the uncertainty anymore. Well, that is when she decided to end it with both us and I accepted that. It was probably the best decision she could have made. Since then I’ve been grieving her but have been steadily healing. No contact with her since. Still have relapses to this day, but I don’t regret investing as much as I did. I’m a healthier and more compassionate person than ever, but I will choose more wisely next time. I’m patient and will find what I truly desire without complication.

      Oh, and a mutual friend tells me that now she’s thinking of getting back with her husband since he wants to. She has so much work to do still and I care enough about her to hope she wakes up sooner than later.

      Thanks again!

  16. Bob. I followed your history… gave me advice… How can I get the power you have to let her go even when you love her so much!! . and not be someone second choice???

    1. Ah, Hope. Easier said than done. It really comes down to loving yourself enough to see that if you aren’t a priority in their life – as you can probably easily tell by their actions and not their words – then it’s time to let them go with love. It will hurt… a lot…but you will regain your dignity and peace of mind eventually. Let yourself grieve and move on. You will grow stronger from it, I promise. Often, this is lesson you need to learn from it anyway. The bottom line is if someone is on the fence, soulmate or not, then please remember that you absolutely deserve someone who will jump completely OVER the fence for you, not just sit on it. Don’t allow yourself to be second fiddle…you deserve the starring role as they will be for you in your life. I hope this makes sense and I wish you the very best. PS – As your name implies, hope is a powerful emotion that speaks to our soul, but it should never overtake self-respect…ever.

      1. Bob.

        I am a female living your exact story only we decided to take a break on the relationship to work on ourselves and the friendship we have is more amazing than i could of ever imagined. I have no idea what the future holds….and that is what i have been holding onto.

        However after reading your entire story here i also realize this is a matter of self respect, soul mate or not. So you really have me rethinking the entire situation even if it was to work out. Could i ever really truly respect myself for letting him back after choosing the other over me. Hmmmm……thanks for being so candid and honest. I really have some soul searching and thinking to do after stumbling across this post.

  17. Hi,

    I hope this message finds you somehow at peace!

    I think you should leave this relationship. Yes, it does hurt to leave someon who you genuinely are in love at the moment. However, time heals and makes you stronger for making the right decision. Consciously, you’ve already had that gut feelings you don’t trust her based on her past history and the current situation she’s put you in. Just a suggestion, you might be able to envisage yourself stuck in the same situation when life doesn’t treat you or her well, and someone comes along and she might do the same thing due to the observation/your clear descriptions about her. I am being utterly honest and straightforward with you. Apologies are all mine if you are offended with my next comment. You have the best adventage over the catalyst of her reason for divorcing her husband JUST for now because you are at local and he’s overseas. Infatuation or love between you two should be based on trust. You don’t have trust to begin with this current situation, I’m afraid to tell you the truth. Even though I don’t know you, your words project the quality of a a good man with honest, dignity and integrity. You are blessed with the Essene of a good man. True love is always worth the wait :D!! All the best wishes and May happiness and peace be with you always in your life!! Take great care of your heart and yourself!

    Warm regards,
    J.

  18. I feel for you.. Soo much. I have been through almost the same .. But with a ” forever” bachelor. ..almost a year.. But he still doesnt know what he wants..
    Quote says: “Show a man what he wants and he will move heaven and earth to get it.. ” .. The same for a lady. Im sure that she should have made a decision ..

    All i can say is .. Goid luck. U r stronger than u think Stranger..

  19. Yes, sometimes those are the hardest ones to make and just give time to clear your head, do things for you and love is always around, she may be great although maybe there is someone even better. God works for us and through us and you felt an intuition and why you want our comments is to feel better. Well feel better, enjoy, I say pick up a hobby that you always wanted to do. My thoughts

  20. Hi Bob, It is now over a year since this post but I was compel to comment. I think you did the right thing. You were brave and fair in your decision. It seems you are a very sensitive and loving guy. She could not see you for you because her heart was clouded. She would have never respected you had you stay. So what would love do??? Hope you have worked on healing your broken heart so that it could be receptive to another. She will be your true soul mate but you have to give love a chance. Loving yourself the way you have done is already a big step. Good luck and know your love is out there looking for you too. Peace