Should I divorce and be with the man I desire?

Lip Service question – Should I divorce and be with the man I desire?  Please help our friend out by leaving your comments.

I would like advice on a situation. I have been married for 22 years and we have 2 older teenage children and 2 adult children. Over the years my husband and I have not always gotten along well. There have been some pretty ugly time frames of arguing, some involving aggressive behaviors from him. We cannot communicate with each other well at all. He is not a very happy person in general and often if he is not complaining about me he is complaining about something or someone else.

A few months ago I reconnected with an old male friend who was recently divorced. We started talking often and eventually meet with each other and have formed an extremely strong connection with one another. This is something I have never felt before with any other man and this man feels the same way about me. We are very compatible and communicate very well with each other in a way I never had experienced with any other person. We both desire the same things in a relationship and life. I have recently discontinued contact with this man due to respect to my marriage and I miss him terribly. My husband and I continue to argue.

I know many people feel that a person should work it out with their husband regardless and I always felt the same until now and I actually guess I still do feel that way. I have tried for many years to be happy with my husband and I do not think it is possible. Many people say that this other relationship is new and exciting but will become tired and old. I am not a young girl who is unrealistic in love and life and I know what I desire in a relationship, my husband is not it and this man is. I do not want to be with my husband regardless of if I am with this other man or not, but this man has made me realize that I can have true happiness in my life in a relationship. I feel that divorce is being selfish but I am so unhappy. Any advice?

48 comments

  1. Sounds like you’ve answered your own question. If you aren’t happy and you’ve tried to get through it and make it work to no avail then go. Staying helps no one, not even him.

  2. PLEASE contact me.. I have been in the VERY same situation and if you would here Id huh you and talk to you like a sister…. I have never been happier in my life and I WAS married or 25 yrs with twin girls that are 24 yrs old. My “soulmate” came to me from Paris France, to Vancouver Canada…. both of us were married at the time we met. I think tht I could be of some help for you hun… but ultimately you must make the decision yourself. All I know is life is short and then you die. I didnt wish to die unhappy. Either should you. XO

    1. I am in the exact situation that you were in. I would love to talk with you about this. My problem is that I have a teenage daughter. No intimacy/sex for 15 years. Husband was not interested due to depression. My first love from high school lives out of state. We met last year. I feel so stuck. Would love to hear about your story and get advice from you. Thank you!

    2. Vera,

      Any wisdom you have gained from your experience that you would like to share would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

  3. You are not being selfish to want the love you do not have with your husband. Not all relationships are meant to last forever and now that your children are older, the purpose for you and your husband to be together may have been fulfilled. Fate has brought you together with this new man and if he wants to be with you, then go for it. We all deserve love and joy in our lives.

  4. I have been married for 15 years. I have a biological son with this man. We are getting divorced. The reason we are getting divorced is because we never should have been together in the first place. All 15 years have been me trying to make him love me. The amount of turmoil in our relationship would be far more than this box can hold. 3 years ago I met a man and I thought I fell in love with him but it turned out to be nothing. But from the way that I THOUGHT I fell in love with him told me that there was more. I realized that there’s more out there in this world. My friends were right when they told me that I needed to be alone for at least a year. Its been 3 years and it’s the right decision. This man is probably making you feel the way you should feel but it didn’t happen the right way. You need to be alone for a while. Find yourself. And then after that time is over and you gotten over your husband or found out that you are not over your husband you can make the right decision.

  5. Let your children be your measurement. If the teenagers at home can see, feel, know that your relationship with their dad is not good, then you must speak with them about your future on your own. There is no need to bring any other man into the talk because you say in essence that you no longer want to be with your husband, whether any one else is up for consideration or not. If you can be at peace with your kids over the pending changes …. then go for it, sweetheart. They don’t give out medals for good service!!!

    1. you must find the right time to leave. I did. After communicating with my soulmate for almost one yr online and over the phone… he did come to me from Paris, France. When he got to me and we held each other at the airport, he said he felt if he was finally HOME. It was tough for al, my daughters could hardly believe I left their dad… but we had grown apart in 25 yrs and he was always upset about something. I felt stressed always… I thought my marriage would have killed me if I didn’t get out. I stayed, did my motherly duty and my X husband and I didn’t even sleep together for the last 16 yrs of our marriage. It was awful. I felt like a maid and that was it. PLEASE find the moment and leave. In time… everything will be fine. Time heals…… it does! Just do it for you and your love. You will NOT regret it, I promise you! xoxoxo

  6. Go for it, lady. It’s true that love and desire are not the same; but you clarified that you now realize you aren’t happy with your husband regardless of whether you are with this other gentleman or not. Being alone may not be easy, but it’s far, far better than being with someone who makes you feel lonely. A marriage will have its ups and downs, and the butterflies from early on will fly away, but in the long run a true marriage becomes a relationship of mutual respect, friendship, support, and yes, love. It is a partnership, not a one-upmanship. Regardless of your beliefs about marriage, if your marriage isn’t something that makes your life better (or, in fact makes it WORSE) then your marriage is only a word – or worse, a lie. Don’t live a lie. What kind of life is that?

  7. that’s right Lori!! I don’t think it was a marriage at all… we were room mates. he was a trucker, gone from home a lot and when he was home, all I did was cook, clean, make his lunch & dinner then he was gone on the road again. When I was alone, I liked my space but yearned for a true love. My soulmate and I spoke on the phone for almost a year as I mentioned and you really get to know a person talking for that long, everyday! I “felt” him from 7500 miles away. He said he HAD to come to me in Canada from France because nobody ever in his life understood or “got” him the way I did. Just find the right moment. Even if u have to leave a hand written note, as I did!

  8. Go ahead and do it. Just keep in mind the ripple effects it will have. First, your kids. I’ve been there and done that and it has affected my children, how could it not. Second, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and boy did I find nothing but green WEEDS when I jumped ship thinking I had found my soulmate. Lastly, be prepared for the feelings that will accompany your choice. If it works out for you great, if it doesn’t…. stay strong. Good luck either way!

  9. This is timely for me to read because I am in a very similar situation. I want to divorce, but I still hold myself back because of all of the turmoil it will cause. I know what needs to be done and what I want to, it’s just a matter of doing it. Reading this helps me to realize that my future is just as important as everyone elses. I deserve happiness too.

    1. you so do Tracyyyyyyyy… just think… it can be about YOU for once. Others will get over it. They will realize it took strength for you to do what you did…. something for YOU! Go girl! Im 55 yrs old… it took me until I was 53 yrs old to leave. Now my x husband is even happier too!

  10. Do it. If you are unhappy it rubs off on your children and work. Being happy should be one of your first priorities to yourself. If your husband is even half as angry and selfish as you are saying then you gotta get out. I’ve never been married but I was in a long term relationship that’s sounds just like what you are dealing with. You deserve better, he doesn’t deserve you and concidering you’ve been married 22years he,s not going to change no matter how many times he promises. My ex-boyfriend was 24 and promised over and over that he would change and he never did. In fact he only go worse in some ways. It doesn’t matter that there is a new male in your life. Something/someone was going to spark the realization in you and this was going happen anyway. It is NOT wrong to want to be happy.

  11. You`re SO right Alice.. its not wrong to be happy. Everyone deserves THAT at least in their lives. You only live ONCE!!

  12. Bottom line: You are currently living a lie and it’s slowly eating away at you. Divorce the husband but DON’T rush into another serious relationship right away. A few years back I reconnected with a high school classmate (we didn’t travel in the same social circles in HS) who was also unhappily married. “Sparks flew” between us, too, and at one point he confessed to “wanting” me. I told him (in a moment of pure genius on my part), “It’s not me you want, really–it’s WHO YOU ARE WHEN YOU’RE WITH ME.” There IS a difference. It would be too soon for you to jump into another relationship. You are too vulnerable and confused and hurting. If/when you do divorce, give yourself time to heal and breathe, and find yourself again. Be aware that your beau is rebounding off a failed marriage, too, and is also confused and hurting and needy. This sounds like a relationship based on need–not love. What will happen when the novelty wears off?? This is the test: “The essence of love is freedom. Anyone who says they love you, and that they are looking out for you, will grant you freedom….Love grants freedom, fear takes it away. Love opens up, fear closes down. Love invites full expression, fear punishes it. By this measure you can know whether someone is loving you or fearing you. Do not look to what they say. Look to what they do.” (Neale Donald Walsch)

    Today would have been my 27th anniversary. I divorced my husband last August. It took me around 12 years to decide this. Though alone, I’m much happier, much calmer. There’s no more drama–and I have the freedom to walk away if any develops. You need to claim that same freedom. In my case, I left my husband with the house, the kids, the cats and the dog. We get along as well as can be expected, though the kids (19 & 24) are still in the process of adjusting. I felt like a square peg in a round hole in my family and something had to give. As they say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

    Good luck! I wish the best for you!

    1. The greatest happiness in life is when you do what you like doing. It is the same like living with a person who makes you happy in life. Money can not buy love. Love brings happiness to a relationship. If you felt empty for many years with a man or with a woman, it means you are getting to your grave every minute. Take a decision to talk to your man and tell him the truth that you do not have feelings for him. May be he has this same problem hidden in him which I’m sure for the fear not to hurt you he keeps it to himself. He is waiting for you to make the first move. Once again, explaining your feelings and tell him out right that divorce is the solution. Do not drive your divorce procedure to the court. If there are properties or children involved, accept what he will propose to you of sharing your properties. Love and happiness will bring back all what you will loose to him. Get out of lust to a lovely land. Enjoy your new found land of love.

    2. I found myself in a similar situation just months ago… I left my husband with three young kids, the house, the dog, all of it. As much as I knew it was better for me and the children for us to be apart… I ended up right back with him…. How do I leave with.out his guilt trips about the children? I know that’s exactly what they are… Guilt trips… But thwyre my children and before I left I told them I may not be here but I will always be here when they need me, they seemed to understand at their young impressionable ages (3, 5, and 5 moths) but he has this way of using them… How can I leave and not let his guilt trips get the better of me?

  13. Don’t cheat on him. Ask him to leave or you leave. You probably knew a long time ago he was not the one for you. Life is too short, your to young. Follow your heart. You won’t regret it.

  14. Have you tried to find love with your husband again?

    I think you want to divorce your husband to be with this other man, and you have phrased this so people will agree with you. I think you’re looking for approval to do what you want. And if you are always seeking approval from others instead of from yourself, you will never find happiness, no matter who you’re with.

  15. Don’t give up on your marriage without counseling. You said vows didn’t you? At least respect your husband enough to give the marriage a chance. I’d also highly recommend two books: His Needs Her Needs and The Five Love Languages. You may only be “communicating” with the other man – but you are having at the least an emotional affair. I agree with the above poster- if you decide to end the marriage end it- but give yourself time before jumping into another relationship. I’ve heard that they recommend staying single for a minimum of two months for every year your last relationship lasted. Good luck.

  16. Let me guess, you are in your early to mid forties. Been there. I’m not going to tell you what you want to hear; I’m going to tell you what you need to hear. This is your midlife crisis. Sit your husband down and talk to him. Change things. Get counseling if necessary. It doesn’t matter how old your children are, they will resent you and hold it against you for many years. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. A LOT of people do not feel the need to honor those when things get rough. Unless your life is in danger, honor your vows. The man you think you adore has as many flaws as your husband, and you will discover this about a year too late. You are doing the right thing to stay married, but your relationship needs work. Like I said, I’ve been exactly where you are, and not being with the other man was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. It wasn’t easy, nor was it immediate, but the relationship between my husband and myself is now (a few years later) stronger and much better. I’ve seen the flip side of this too…people who left their mate, tore up their family, only to discover the person they thought to be so exciting to have as many if not worse flaws than their former spouse. Try to work it out. Do you give your husband the kind of attention you gave the other man? (I didn’t.) ….Just some things to think about.

    1. I don’t know her situation either, other than what is said above. It’s terribly difficult to trust complete strangers to give you advice. I think, of all the ones I’ve read, this one is the most whole minded. In fact, the more people who tell you to jump off a cliff, the more you tend to believe that’s what you should do. Only you can make that decision. Know there will be consequences for either choice you make, it’s just a matter of which ones you can live with. If counseling hasn’t been sought, I’d strongly, STRONGLY recommend you seek it before making any choice. As for the person who said to talk to your kids about it. I absolutely and whole heartedly disagree. If my parents had talked to me about their rough patch, 20 yrs ago, I know it would have damaged me. Crisis struck and they melded together and are stronger now than ever and are celebrating 47 yrs of marriage. It isn’t easy, but he’s not abusive either, just negletful. No one would blame Mom if she left him, but she’s made a vow, and she stands by it. The family is stronger because of her choices. They do love each other, but it doesn’t look like what the media, hollywood, etc says it should. It’s real. Romance is fleeting and fools follow it blindly. Guard your heart…. but it sounds like it’s too late. I pray you and your husband can put each other first again.

  17. Good morning. Challenging situation indeed and I guess that there are people other than you and your husband to take into account. I am going to qualify my answer by saying thy I don’t have children, so I am just commenting what I think for you.

    If there is abuse in your marriage, be it mental, emotional or physical, then there is only one thing to do. Get out. By sticking to your marriage you are showing honour and respect to your husband, but I think that you are honouring the wrong person. Your respect is not being reciprocated by your husband if he feels that it is okay to shout at you and/or be violent – this is a sign of a weak man. It’s also setting an incredibly bad example to your children – abuse should never be regarded as normal or acceptable.

    So, assuming that you decide to leave your husband, you do have a third option, rather than just choosing between your husband and the other man. I feel strongly that you need to get to know yourself – find your own hopes and dreams, establish your likes and dislikes without the influence of anyone else. Try being on your own. Then, if necessary, the new man can court you and can try to earn you. After all, you deserve to be earned and cherished as a whole person, not as a person who is considering swapping a bad situation for an unknown one.

    One big sign for me from your question was that you do not say that you love this new man. Give yourself some space – you deserve it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

  18. Leaving rarely takes us where we want to go.
    Does this new man want you to leave ur husband to be with him? What if you are feeling something he is not? What has your role been in the loss of chemistry within your marriage? Do you contribute to your husband’s unhappiness? when did the 2 of you stop actively living eachother? what poor relationship patterns have you developed that are a difficulty for your marriage and that will follow you into all other relationships? there are always 2 sides of the equation. No one is innocent in relationships. You must ask, be honest and own the answers to these questions.
    Have you asked it husband if he wants a divorce? If he does then u know the choice is easy. However…
    If u leave, just make absolutely sure you can leave with a clear heart and knowing you’ve really done all that is possible. There has to be no unresolved feelings.

  19. You are getting a lot of advice about what you should do rather than simply an opinion of what options you have based on what you have stated. I would never presume to tell someone what is best for their life unless they are mentally or emotionally impaired; you seem to be neither.
    Once a couple is married and have children, I don’t think individual happiness is paramount. Making decisions that are best for the family and children are. If you two cannot agree to get along and live as friends – which includes having disagreements and discussions rather than angry destructive fights – then you are not maintaining the best environment to raise a child. My wife and I make better friends than we do husband and wife but we were able to live together and demonstrate how to get along with each other while we raised our children. Not everyone is willing to do that because NOTHING IS IMPORTANT TO SOME PEOPLE THAN THEIR OWN HAPPINESS. My perspective is different. I asked her to marry me. She said yes. We are here by choice. The children had no choice so THEIR HAPPINESS IS MORE IMPORTANT TO US. It only works if both people are willing to agree to keeping this attitude. Otherwise, I don’t believe staying together good idea.
    Notice that I haven’t mentioned the other man. As far as I am concerned, he is irrelevant. I don’t think people should be traded in for a new or better model like cars. I would leave my wife if I believed that we should no longer be in the same house together, not because I want someone with whom I would be happier. I would let her go for her to be happier but I wouldn’t leave if I thought it would devastate her. We have now been married 32 years. Our two adult kids moved out three years ago.
    Sorry this was so long. Hope it helps you and others who are in the same position. As a minister in this area says, “Not a sermon….just a thought.”

  20. I have been married for 45
    years and I say if you are not happy get out. It is to late for me but not you. It is hard and the worse thing is on my part was I did not and still have no place to go that anyone cares. We have been through a lot and I know my husband cares but neither one of us love each other anymore and it is sad. I stay depressed, so please life is to short.

    1. Hey Carolyn – It is never ever too late. I was in the same boat as you – only worse! My husband and I separated, sadly, but in a civilized uncaring way. While we were waiting for our house deal to close, (each of us had bought elsewhere, away from everything familiar, I was diagnosed with a serious heart problem that required triple heart by-pass surgery, which then developed complications. When I finally was able to leave the hospital I had to go stay with my husband as I could in no way look after myself. His new girlfriend had to take a back seat for 3 months until I was able to look after myself in my own place. We all survived. That was almost 4 years ago. Neither of us regret our decision and probably would agree that it should have happened ten years sooner. I am totally content with my life now. It was a second chance at Life.

  21. You go get your happinss… trust me…. your huband would….. no offense,, MEN……. MM

  22. You only get one life….I have that stuck in my head when I read your story, i feel as if you have written down my life story….i hope you can find the strength to break free and live a happier life, a life full of love and harmony…that is something i can only dream of…good luck, I wish you a wonderful and happier future.

  23. I was married for five years without any child,because of this my husband start acting very strange at home,coming home lately and not spending time with me any more. and because of this my husband divorce me. So i became very sad and lost in life because my doctor told me there is no way for me to get pregnant this really make life so hard for me and my family.my friend told me about SUPERNATURAL SPELL HELP from the Internet,how he has helped people with this similar problem that i am going through so i contacted him and explain to him.he cast a reunite spell to bring back my husband and it was a miracle three days later my husband can back to apologize for all he has done and told me he is fully ready to support me in any thing i want,few month later i got pregnant and gave birth to twins (girls) we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to dr.ogala for saving my relationship and for also saving others too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this blessings like me, the great spell caster email address is:SUPERNATURALSPELLHELP@GMAIL.COM

  24. I was in a much similar situation recently… I asked my husband to move out of our home (we have 2 children) and it was because I reconnected with an old friend and we talk daily even still. The conversations I was having with my friend were conversations I was wanting to have with my husband. It is easy conversation, nothing about getting together or anything but just the ease of conversation that I was craving. For many years I told my husband what I needed and wanted from him and he just wasn’t able to give it to me. I am in a difficult situation that my feelings for my friend have grown since my husband left. I went to another country to visit him and had a fantastic time. We explored the city, hung out, talked… there was nothing physical that happened we were happy just to spend the time together. When I told my friend how I feel, he didn’t reciprocate the feelings… it was difficult to hear but you know what? Just the fact that I was brave enough to leave unhappiness and take a chance when I felt the time was right has made me happier than I have been in many years… My kids are much happier now also… They see Mom strong and happy and it reflects in them… My exhusband is still grieving the marriage but I know he will be happier in the long run also… Mom’s deserve happiness in whatever shape that is in. (BTW I would NEVER have stopped talking to my friend even if my marriage was good… if it is strong then there should be no reason for the friendship to threaten a marriage) JMHO

  25. I should also clarify that the friend was a catalyst not the reason. If I could be so happy talking to someone else, why couldn’t I be happy to talk to my spouse?

  26. More than likely you have lost yourself in your marriage. In order for you to be happy you must find yourself. Date yourself. Buy things for yourself. Do things for yourself. When you become happy it may intrigue the man in your life of 22 years, therefore automatically transforming your marriage right in front of your eyes. Men don’t want a woman that is begging for them. We need to hunt you. You have to be just at the tip of our fingers. If you want a happy marriage… MAKE ONE… It’s up to you. My ex left without trying. Without doing the work for the same situation as you describe. She is just as miserable now as she was. I did the work all the way up until the end and I met a wonderful woman that I as well as she enjoy an effortless relationship. If I had given up without dating myself and finishing my commitment to her then I would still be just as miserable as I was because happiness starts within and flows outward. Therefore no one else can make me happy in a relationship! I bring it To the relationship.
    I hope this helps. Good luck.

  27. This sounds so much like my story, I wondered if I myself had written it and simply forgotten.

    My present husband and I did the unthinkable!

    We took a tremendous amount of criticism and experienced some sadness. But, it’s been worth it.

    My present husband and I met and had the same connection you and your long lost friend seem to have, back in the early 80’s. My desire for this man was so strong I actually left a Sr. Vice Presidency in the early 90’s to try to focus on my marriage (at the time) and work this love, out of my system. Years passed. In 2007 I received an email from him. He had been looking for me and had finally had found me. From that first email I knew he still loved me and had been missing me all of these years. We were still on the same page too. He had partnered (not married) another woman and had two children with her but said he could never and would never get me out of his mind and heart. His partnership was failing as was mine. He confessed that he should have never continued this relationship because it had never been fair to his new partner. But, once she conceived he felt he would try to make things work, especially since I was married and believed a relationship with me was only a dream. We talked and texted, and emailed, and finally agreed to meet. It was the most magical day of both our lives.

    In October we will be married 2 joyful, blissful years together.

    We’ve struggled with being ostracized by some, disappointment from others, and whispering and snickering from those who, “come hell or high water” live by society’s “play book”. It was sad. Change isn’t already easy.

    However, neither of us has ever been happier. We had to give up some friends and take some hard criticism from people who we thought were our friends. But, for us, we would do it all over again and wonder why we waited so long.

    You only have one shot at this life and it seems a little counter productive to live unhappily forever. It will eventually show up in almost everything you do, especially since now you know there is a possibility at a lifetime of happiness and peace.

    It probably won’t be easy at first, but if you’ve found, “the one”, you need to embrace it, follow through, live the dream. I wish you both joy, a happy ending and and the courage and conviction to follow your heart. As the kids say, “YOLO”… You Only Live Once! Good luck!

  28. I have not been blessed with the experience of 20 plus years in marriage. I have been married. I have children and what I have learned is what we do in our daily lives, in a marrrige, is what we are teaching our children to expect or accept in their own. When my two sons were smaller, they are 18 and 16 now, their father was verbally and mentally abusive as well as an alcoholic/drug addict. I endured it for seven years. One day my ex husband came into the room where my sons and I were while they played. I remember him yelling at me, calling me a very hurtful, disrespectful and demeaning chain of names in front of them…AND THEY DID NOT FLINCH…at that moment, God allowed me to see that I had allowed and taught my sons to think it was normal. acceptable. To this day, it has been one of the biggest lessons learned. Happiness for yourself is important… and even more so for your children. Even now my sons, one graduated last year, one is in 11th this year, still express the importance of happiness in all of their thoughts and decisions. Listen to your heart.

  29. Wow…..I thought I was reading my life story….But for me, 20 years, 2 teenagers, 2 severely disabled Autistic child. We know for the fact that we are not compatible w/ each other. We sleep in different rooms. He has his own outlet to keep him occupied and still hanging around as a Father & Husband. But…..I still Love him as a person for what we share together…..our Children. It’s not our fault that we distant from each other. We was forced to marry and learn to love one another because he got me pregnant. Just last year I myself got together w/ a childhood buddy and connected w/ him….but he’s in a complicated relationship himself. I tried many time to save our marriage, and still is. But for the many times of trying…..the flame has died down. The attraction is gone, I know he craves younger woman and they want him for some reason. But we want to be happy, because that is the medicine to a healthier life.