Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?
by Shannon Gan Dathú
Sometimes two people need to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together. ~ Colleen Hoover
“We broke up! Why would we ever consider getting back together?”
Why, indeed? This is a question many people are asking themselves more and more frequently. It’s a rough one, but these days we find ourselves growing, changing, and revisiting the idea of reconciliation. Forgiveness is healing. But does that mean forgetting? Well…it depends.
For those who have found that they can trust love one more time, it is possible. It’s a beautiful opportunity to find out if the troubles that once seemed insurmountable can be overcome, carefully and compassionately. With true compassion, we can overcome almost any challenges.
We are quick to want to believe that love will conquer all, but the reality is that is takes much more than just loving someone: it takes constant work, dedication, compromise, and unconditional understanding from both partners. Easier said than done, at times, isn’t it?
The ones we once loved aloud we never stop loving silently in some way.
Finding love together is special. It’s magical. It’s serendipitous. Love helps us hope, believe and trust again. It lifts our spirits and gives us strength. But what works for one person, may not work for everyone. As The Supremes once sang: “You can’t hurry love.” How true! You have to give each other time and space to grow individually and together. It’s one of the most enriching experiences in this lifetime.
Sometimes we grow apart. People break up and relationships don’t work out. Affairs happen. Addictions, too. We go our separate ways, hoping that we’ll be happier and healthier in the long run. Perhaps the decision was rash; perhaps it was one of the hardest choices you’ve ever faced. When we start building a life together, parting is never easy and reconciling seems realistic. It’s human to wonder, “What might still be”.
Any legitimate reasons for reconciling will be valid, logical and easily explained to yourself and your loved ones. While others’ opinions shouldn’t be the deciding factor, we all have people we turn to for advice and wisdom. Listen to them and take their words into consideration, especially when we are emotionally vulnerable.
Ultimately though, you know what’s best for you.
Can it be fixed?
When I asked a few people why they had reconciled with their significant others, they all said: “People change.” It’s normal to hope that things can be better a second time around. Many are lucky enough to find comfort and understanding in another try.
Love can surpass any pain or fear; it’s the most powerful form of energy. So powerful, in fact, that it can blind you to harmful behaviors. Occasionally, there is no way to fix what is broken. For example, abuse of any kind is difficult at best to overcome. People can be physically and emotionally abusive and it’s difficult to find a solution.
Yes, people can change their behavior but often professional assistance is required. Love can overcome the greatest of odds, yet it cannot change another person unless they want to begin the healing process on their own. Remember that even when abusers fully recognize their harmful behavior, even when they sincerely want to change, it is an uphill battle which claims victims along the way. Be safe and be cautious: there is no love more important than your safety and that of your loved ones. Period. No excuses.
Set Guidelines for Yourself
Any time we react, instead of responding, we come from a place of emotion and not objectivity. Be mindful to avoid dealing with the same issues you faced before, probably sooner rather than later. When our hearts are involved, our humanity can leave us feeling desperate and that doesn’t serve anyone well. Ask yourself how you will handle things differently this time around. Taking time to examine the root cause of the original breakup will give perspective and ideas for future resolution.
Ask yourself: “Why do I really want to take her/him back?”
When you’re truly honest with yourself and, “I don’t know,” isn’t an acceptable answer, you will get to the heart of the matter. People who are friends before and after a breakup have a much higher chance of making it work again. If you enjoy each other’s company, similar interests, and common goals, and you’re supportive of each other, there’s a greater chance of a successful reunion. It’s been said before: a relationship needs friendship – no matter how good the sex is or how much you love each other.
Our grandparents lived in a time when people stayed together and worked through their problems. Today, we live in a consumable society suffering financial difficulty almost everywhere. Personally, I know many people who have reconciled for financial reasons alone. They may not have resolved their differences completely but they have come to an understanding, very maturely, where both parties can continue to pursue their dreams and still provide support in many ways to one another. Love and sex may or may not be part of their arrangement, in the traditional sense. Simply being there for one another can be enough, enjoying a deeply healthy connection in many ways. However, if all comes down to this: Is this reason enough for you to reconcile? Will this be enough to make you happy?
For the Children
We seek to provide the best for our families and, as we all know, that is not easy to do. Raising healthy, happy children in today’s society is an uphill battle every single day. It takes a strong family environment, whether or not you have a one- or two- parent household. We also have different ideas of what is “right” for our families, even when parenting together. Families can become divided for the greater good. Jobs, illnesses, religion, finances, and hundreds of other factors come into play. Later, we experience moments of common clarity and work together to increase our families’ happiness. Someone very wise once told me that we should never get married because of children, money or sex. Hah! Very true and slightly hard to follow when emotions run high. However, if you’ve given the relationship your all, what more can you do? Children learn from watching us first. Give them the best example you can, whether you are together or not.
Set some time aside. Calmly and as unemotionally as possible, think about the reasons the relationship ended and the reasons you would like it to work again. If the positives outweigh the negatives, then the effort may very well be worth it.
Ask yourself realistically:
Have I changed?
Have they changed?
How have the circumstances changed?
Is it love, lust, loneliness or convenience?
You deserve the best! Don’t settle. If you’re giving this serious consideration, there is obviously a good reason. Give yourself time to make the best decision possible.
Love with all of your heart and use your intelligence. It serves you well!
Now, for a helping hand: Some relationships are just never meant to be reignited. Others ended for reasons which can actually be resolved.
For those of you who feel you might need some help working through whether you may want to give it another try, here is a really great self-help program: Michael Fiore’s Text Your Ex Back program isn’t just a guide to get your ex back. It’s an entire program to help you understand your own emotions first, and secondly, a helping hand in making meaningful contact with your ex again if you feel that your relationship is worth another shot.
Just a taste of how the guide starts: Michael writes, “If you go through this program and do what it says, you’ll learn a ton. You will come to terms with your own emotions around your ex, and you will have a REALLY good shot at getting the romance and connection you miss back in your life.
This course is for you if you legitimately miss and appreciate your ex, feel like you’ve got a real connection, and feel like the reasons you broke up are things you can resolve, accept, or move past.
However, if you’re an abuser (emotionally or physically), or a serial cheater who can’t be honest, I’d rather you go the hell away and leave your ex in peace.
If your ex was abusive, either emotionally or physically, you should NOT be trying to get back together with them in any way and you should find a qualified therapist or counselor to help you put the pieces of your self-esteem back together properly.”
If you feel that Michael’s guide will be helpful to you, click here to check it out further. xoxo