Going Through a Breakup or Divorce Over the Holidays Is Tough. Here’s What to Do.

 

Most people wouldn’t wish the pain of divorce or breakup on their worst enemy.

 

Even if you are the one who decided that a breakup was necessary, you probably feel like wallowing in a pint of ice cream or crying on a friend’s shoulder for hours over your split.

 

In fact, it’s probably the same shoulder that is still wet from the last time you cried on their shoulder about it … yesterday.

 

Breakups are tough ruts to get out of.

 

Then you factor in the holidays.

 

No matter what religion you are, all holidays are a time for family, love and togetherness. And when your family just got a big tear down the center, you wonder … how is celebrating possible?

 

We know you’re feeling low right now. Maybe even lower than low. Fortunately, we’ve got the best news you’ve probably heard in a while:

 

The holidays are the perfect time to improve your mood about this breakup.

 

Think about it. You’re looking at the holidays as a looming period of doom. You’re looking at all the holes that will be there:

 

  • “We usually go to my in-laws for dinner. Where will I go this year?”

 

  • “All my friends are bringing their boyfriends and spouses to the party. I’ll be the only single one.”

 

  • “We used to wrap presents / decorate / watch movies / bake cookies Now what?”

 

  • “I had his present all wrapped …”

 

Similar thoughts been in your head lately? It’s just sad thing after worry after depressing realization after bummer.

 

Ok now stop that snowballing!

 

Reverse it. Flip it on end. When you think like that, you’re making a choice to think like that. Instead, choose to think another way.

 

Focus on the possibilities. Believe in the miracle of this annual holiday that has endured for thousands of generations.

 

And follow this advice for extra support.

 

  1. Be Ready for Change (And Excited About It)

 

Things are going to change. That’s scary to you, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a while. But you can take control of the situation by making friends with change.

 

For some, this might mean getting back into dating. For others, it might mean finally getting out of the apartment you used to share or selling/dumping the things that remind you of him.

 

Change your hair, schedule a mini vacation, watch the movies he always said he hated—who cares! Get excited for this new chapter of your new life, and try to make the holidays part of it. You can do this by creating brand new traditions that can just belong to you and your family and friends.

 

  1. Pinpoint What You’re Not Looking Forward To

 

It’s easy to say, “I hate the holidays this year.” But what do you hate? Really try to figure out what exactly you’re disliking about being broken up right now. Then take action.

 

For example, a lot of newly divorced people worry about attending parties or dinners solo. Well, if this is you, do something about it. For example, don’t go.

 

Weigh the pros and cons. If going to this dinner alone really upsets you, bow out, and replace the evening with something you love. Get a pedicure. Go see a movie. Hang out with another single friend.

 

Figuring out what bothers you and taking action can break up a lot of the frustration and uncomfortable feelings you’re having.

 

  1. Have a Ready Response

 

Scared of the idea of explaining your breakup or divorce to friends and family and random strangers at parties? Create a canned response, and don’t let people try to start up discussions about it.

 

Listen, you don’t have to listen to people comparing their own lives to yours or telling you that “it will get better soon” or trying to set you up.

 

In fact, if you want, part of your ready response can be: “I appreciate people’s concern, but I prefer not to talk about.”

 

  1. Don’t Stop Taking Care of Yourself

 

It’s easy not to shave your legs for oh … 5 or 6 weeks after a breakup. Or to stop highlighting or touching up your roots for, oh … 7 or 8 weeks. And yeah you can do that.

 

But don’t.

 

Taking care of yourself physically helps you feel in charge of your life and your destiny, and it helps you remember your confidence—an easy thing to lose when you break up with someone or get a divorce.

 

A few days of not washing your hair and wallowing in it is ok, but any more is disrespectful to yourself.

 

  1. Laugh about it

 

We as humans have the beautiful, unique ability to have a sense of humor about depressing situations. When we look at the funny side of sad things, we can at least chuckle a little, and that dopamine can start reacquainting itself with our regular brain chemistry. It’s all a slow process that you should start as soon as possible.

 

So, if you can, laugh about your situation.

 

  • If you had already bought your boyfriend a sweater as a present, don’t throw it out or cry your eyes out into it! Wear it to your family’s holiday party!

 

  • If your ex just put up a holiday photo of himself and his new girl on Facebook, put a photo up of you and your dog next to the fireplace (oh and also, quit checking his Facebook).

 

  • And if you find yourself sitting in bed on a Saturday night at 9pm in your way-past-needs-washing-phase leggings, eating chicken and watching heart-warming / terribly-depressing-in-your-case romantic comedies … have a big, hearty laugh. Because that’s just silly and cute. And very human of you.

 

Then doll yourself up and go out with friends or take some amazing selfies and put them online.

 

Just keep in mind that life is for the living, so live. And remember that in the face of any and all trials and tribulations in life: this too shall pass.

 

Have a Happy Holiday.

He Dumped You and It Was Your Fault: What to Do

breakup

 

We all do things we regret. After all, we’re only human.

 

But some things we do can lead to bitter consequences … like breakups with someone who truly meant a lot to us.

 

If you’ve recently gone through a breakup and the reason for the tear was your fault, you have to start somewhere in picking up the pieces.

 

The first decision you need to make is whether you want to go back to pursuing the relationship. Because even though you may feel incredibly sad and guilty for what you’ve done, it’s possible that you either know the relationship can never be mended or deep down, you don’t want to go back to it.

 

So decide.

 

Option A: You’re Ready to Get Over It

 

–or–

 

Option B: You Want Him Back

 

Then follow the respective guidelines below.

 

 

Option A: You’re Ready to Get Over It

 

Put Your Phone Down

 

As of this moment, your phone and social media are an enemy to contend with. You’ve got to find a way to stop yourself from calling, texting and “just checking to see if he’s online.” Doing these things will not only make you feel and look like a fool (when you constantly call and text and don’t receive answers), but they will also hold you back from getting over your ex.

 

Oh, and they will make it hard for him to get over you too. You’ve got to let them go.

 

Find a Support Network

 

Friends are the best when breakups happen. It’s especially when you’re feeling guilty and down in the dumps that you need your ladies by your side.

 

Often, when we get into relationships, everything’s so exciting and new that we may not talk to our girlfriends very often. This is always a shame, but it’s definitely a shame when then discover how much you need them.

 

Fortunately, most women understand this “code,” and they’ll come bouncing back if you only reach out and maybe supply a bottle of wine or two.

 

Don’t Shoot the Second Arrow

 

Buddhists tend to have some of the best advice where emotions are concerned, and here they are giving us another thought to live by again: Don’t shoot the second arrow.

 

If you’re confused as to how an arrow came into play, it’s simple: When we experience pain and suffering in our lives, it’s like being shot with an arrow. And that’s bad enough.

 

But so often, we “shoot ourselves with another arrow” when we take those initial bad feelings and run with them, causing more sorrow and pain through self-ridicule, shame, blaming, dissatisfaction and a host of other negative emotions and thought processes.

 

In other words: Going through this breakup sucks. Knowing you caused it sucks. But don’t make it worse than that. Avoid shooting the second arrow by recognizing your situation blows and, well, leaving it at that. Adding more terrible feelings to the mix will do absolutely no good. And you’re going to be fine. Especially if you take the next step…

 

Don’t Make the Same Mistake Twice

 

Ok, you royally screwed up with this guy. Don’t do it again.

 

Easier said than done? It’s true. We tend to repeat patterns in our lives, so chances are you’re going to be tempted to do the same things you just did to screw up this relationship again in a new relationship.

 

You’ve gotta avoid that, so … try these things:

 

  • Journal it, write it down: What would you have done differently if given another chance?
  • Have a friend watch your back. Tell them: “Next time you notice me ______, sit me down and remind me of how I’m feeling right now.”
  • Make amends with him. Apologizing and being open with how you messed up will be hard, but it will solidify it in your mind and help you to do better next time.

 

Option B: You Want Him Back

 

Apologize

 

You did something wrong, and that warrants an apology from you. We know you’re not crazy about this idea, but you really need to bite the bullet and do it. It’s the only way he can begin to forgive you, and you two can learn to repair things.

 

If you can’t do it in person (although that’s a much better and more mature idea), you can at least write him an email (or better yet, handwrite him a letter). Doing this is a great way to get some things off your chest, make amends and start making your way back to his heart. Just remember not to make excuses. Giving reasons why you did such-and-such is okay, but don’t try to lay the blame on someone else or excuse yourself entirely when you know very well that you did something wrong.

 

Be Where He Is

 

Chances are he won’t really want to see you, and that’s understandable. But you should try to find a way to see him if you can. This may be by hanging out with the same friends or at the same places.

 

Don’t be a stalker, but do put yourself in a position where you are still a factor in his life.

 

Use the Ex Factor Guide

 

Not many programs out there have the ability to actually impart essential wisdom that can get you your guy back. In fact, most of them are phony and not worth the time it takes to go through them.

 

But The Ex Factor Guide has the ability to do wonders for your chances at getting your man back. There are things in there that we don’t even have room enough to right of right here, but trust us, they’re good. Things you’d never even think of doing can win you back his heart.

 

Check it out and you’ll see what we’re talking about.

 

In the meantime: Hey girl, don’t beat yourself up. You’re only human, and you have just as much right to a happy life full of romance as the next girl—whether your ex is out of your life for good or just waiting for you to woo him again… Good luck!

Was The Whole Relationship a Fraud? Tips for Getting Over a Breakup

Tips for getting over a breakup

 

Tender feelings, anger, resentment, and defeat are normal after a breakup.

 

You’ve heard before that “Your ego is just hurt” or “You’re angry now, but that will go away.”

 

At the time, though, you never think that the painful memories of the good times, the remembrance of promises you told each other, or the feelings you so truly felt for that person will ever go away.

 

And when things ended badly between the two of you, it’s even worse.

 

“What relationships actually end well” you ask?

 

Good point.

 

But in some cases, breakups are more hideous than others. For example, if you find out your partner:

 

  • Was never actually in it for the long term
  • If they weren’t forthcoming with this fact and flat out lied to you
  • If they were using you in some way

 

Then it is worse, and you’re forced to deal with it on top of everything else you have going on in your life: On top of bills and obligations, stress at work, getting back into dating, family issues, friends you’ve been ignoring … It’s a terrible feeling.

 

But something that can help you during this time lies in realizing that your thoughts right now are not all true.

 

And in many cases, the pain and hurt you’re feeling is just skewing your vision on what happened.

 

First, you must remember that … people change.

 

You’re thinking right now that everything was a lie, from the moment they saw you, right up until the moment before they broke it off.

 

More likely, your partner really thought things were going somewhere with you, and then … they didn’t think that anymore. They changed. They were not trying to dupe you or trick you or lie to you. When they said meaningful things to you, they meant them, but somewhere along the line, their life took a diverging path.

 

Or it even could have been a change in you that triggered a change of path in them.

 

And then when you started to notice they were feeling distant or when the things they said started sounding weird (maybe only in retrospect can you see it now), that’s when they could have been doing some lying.

 

This happens in a lot of relationships, and yeah, it’s maddening as hell, but if you can see through the terribleness that you feel … you’ll see that your partner was trying to salvage something that they felt for you at some time. For a while, they were trying to spare your feelings. They didn’t completely lie to you all the time. It was real while it was real, and when it wasn’t real … it was over anyway because one of you had gone a different way.

 

The reasons for this, you ask? They’re many. Perhaps a spiritual awakening, a new set of goals for life, a new job, a death in the family.

 

Or purely internal changes—ones you cannot see. They take a diverging path inside themselves, and you can’t go with them. Nor should you want to. Not if you’re not wanted in their life. You need to find your own path and someone who can be on it for life with you.

 

Another thing that happens is that often, we’re in so much pain after a breakup that we blame the breakup on the other person 100 percent, saying that their feelings weren’t real ever.

 

Makes you want to pen a Facebook essay-style post, entitled I’ve Been Had: How My Entire Relationship Was a Fraud from Beginning to End, doesn’t it?

 

But if your relationship lasted for more than just a few months, you know this isn’t true. Psychopaths get into relationships with only the pure intention of lying and gaining things for themselves. But these are psychopaths, and there are only a few of those around.

 

It is highly unlikely you were dating a psychopath.

 

When you think and speak like this—saying that you were lied to from beginning to end in some elaborate plot to screw with your mind—you’re just speaking from a point of pain. And we understand, it hurts.

 

But contrary to what you might think, realizing that you actually did have some amazing moments together and that those moments were definitely real and true and pure … that’s what can set you free from the terrible pain.

 

As Dr. Seuss so wisely put it:

 

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.

 

And good things did happen.

 

Little Tips to Get You Through a Breakup

 

  1. Force yourself to be more realistic when thinking of your ex and your past together. See above.

 

  1. Avoid lashing out and calling them names at all costs (even when they might deserve it). You’ll regret it later, and people who observe it will think you’re crazy. We know who you are, ranting Facebook posters.

 

  1. Cut off contact. Nothing makes the pain of a breakup go away faster than setting up an out-of-site, out-of-mind situation for yourself.

 

  1. Turn to friends and family for support and to get your mind off things.

 

  1. Experience the pain. Know it’s going to be hard, and lean into it. Once you embrace something you want to avoid, it gets a lot less scary … You’ll see.

 

Time heals all wounds. It will heal this one too. We promise.