The Key to Getting Exes Back is Triggering Feelings

By: James Bauer

When you’ve shared a special connection with someone, it’s hard to let it go.

Especially when you know there’s still a lot of potential if he would just open his heart again.

You could build a beautiful life together.

If that’s something you want, then it’s only natural you would try to convince him that he should give the relationship another shot. After all, convincing him feels like the right thing to do.

Why would you not try to reason with him? Why wouldn’t you try to show him he’s making a mistake by pulling away?

Yet this is one of those times in life when our instincts lead us awry. Because convincing your ex never works. Fortunately, I know something that does.

Triggering feelings.

(By the way, If you’d like laser-targeted advice about getting your ex to talk to you again, check out my Relationship Rewrite Method presentation).

Here’s the thing, triggering feelings will always trump logical argument.

Why? Because emotions run the show. We humans are not as rational as we’d like to believe. That’s true of all forms of decision-making, but especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Emotion. It’s your best shot at winning him back.

I care about all my clients. But I have to be honest, sometimes a client’s story tugs at my heart and it gets personal for me. That was the case with Leah, a mother of five, the oldest of whom was born when she and the father were both seventeen, just high school sweethearts.

I’ll admit there was a judgmental part of me that thought Leah and Joel had been incredibly irresponsible to start having children while they were still children themselves. But I soon forgot all about that as I learned of the beautiful family they had created together, only to be torn apart by a short series of missteps and what I’ll call “almost-infidelity.” First by one, and then (in reaction) by the other.

Leah sought out my professional services first. Joel had moved out three months earlier.

Joel joined us a few sessions later. He was complacent with me and defiant with Leah. He had his mind made up. The hurt was just too great. But he claimed it was because Leah was “crazy.”

Leah, on the other hand, was not ready to let go of what they shared.

She had fire in her eyes every time she spoke directly to Joel in our sessions, demanding that he stop living the life of a bachelor, pursuing other women while her life began to look more and more like that of a single mother, just struggling to get by.

And this is where things get complicated for me. It was hard for me to maintain professional objectivity. You see, I wanted to convince Joel as well. I wanted to jump in with Leah and fight for this little family to survive.

Fortunately, I knew better.

So I privately began to teach Leah the techniques I’m going to share with you today. Let me show you the difference between convincing your ex versus triggering the right kind of feelings.

The easiest way for me to illustrate the difference between convincing your ex and triggering feelings is to offer you a simple list of do’s and don’ts. So let’s get right to it.

Don’t Do This:

  • Don’t argue that he owes you an explanation since you know he still has feelings for you.
  • Don’t tell him the relationship was going just fine and then try to get him to own his share of the blame for why things began to fall apart.
  • Don’t imply he owes you something after all you’ve been through together.
  • Don’t tell him real relationships take work and he needs to grow up.
  • Don’t try to prove you shared something special by forcing him to acknowledge specific examples from your past.

All that telling, convincing, and arguing will get you nowhere. In fact, it will simply reinforce the painful emotions that are driving him away from you in the first place.

Why? Because his brain will automatically come up with counter arguments.

For example, if you tell him things were great in the past, he will immediately test the truth of that assertion by scanning his memories for contradictory evidence. He’ll think of the fights, the frustrations, and other low points.

He’ll mention those problems. And this will reinforce your efforts to convince. You’ll end up showing him your worst side. Angry. Desperate. And if that goes on too long, you’ll become bitter, resentful, and maybe even sarcastic.

You know it’s true. This is how we all react when something matters to us deeply but the other person refuses to be convinced. This is not what I want for you to show him. Don’t try to convince.

Instead, let his emotions do the work for you.

Do this:

I’ll explain each of these briefly after listing the techniques.

  • Build a private line of communication.
  • Use private flirting but not broadcast flirting.
  • Be vulnerable about struggles interfering with your goals.
  • Throw rocks at his enemies.
  • Make time your servant.

Build a Private Line of Communication

Here your goal is simple. Completely eliminate any communication via channels where others can observe his responses to you. Then ensure you have at least one private method for communicating with him directly. Text messaging is the most common method for achieving this.

Why not communicate on social media channels like Facebook? Because privacy releases him from the human compulsion to remain consistent. We don’t like to appear inconsistent. Psychologists call this “the consistency bias.” Once we have publicly committed to something (like a breakup) we feel foolish showing any sign that we are wavering or may have even made the wrong decision.

So your job is to completely remove that threat by eliminating any communication in public settings.

Don’t talk to him in front of the kids. Don’t talk to him in front of your friends or his friends. Don’t ask him to meet you in a public place for coffee and a chat.

He won’t even notice you’re not communicating with him publicly. Without realizing why, he’ll feel more open to exploring where things could go with you.

Just send him a pleasant message once every four or five days. Something you knew he would find interesting, funny, or exciting. Nothing about your relationship. No convincing.

Only send the kinds of messages that gradually condition him to expect that pleasurable little rush of dopamine you get when you open your favorite email newsletter or text messages from a friend who is good at making you laugh.

Don’t demand any kind of response. Just keep the doors of communication open.

Use Private Flirting but Not Broadcast Flirting

I wrote an entire article on this one powerful concept. I encourage you to read it in its entirety here.

For now, I’ll just share this simple explanation.

Broadcast flirting is on display for everyone to see.

When a woman uses broadcast flirting, everyone around can see what she’s up to.

For example, it’s broadcast flirting when Debbie laughs at all Daniel’s jokes at the office party and purposefully compliments him in front of others. Exclusive flirting is different.

Think of it like an exclusive club. There are only two people in the club, and the two people share something exclusive.

This is another reason your private line of communication is a must. You need an avenue to bring up insiders-only stuff like an inside joke or a reference to a funny moment only the two of you would remember.

Any message like that evokes the right kinds of emotion. It evokes the emotions that naturally arise from feeling part of something special. No convincing is needed.

Be Vulnerable about Struggles and Goals

Once your private line of communication is up and running, it’s time to step things up a notch.

Many brilliant people have talked about the power of vulnerability, including Brené Brown who has recently popularized the concept while helping us all to understand its true power. But I have a more specific purpose in mind for you.

If you are honest about goals you care about, and the struggles that block your way, it naturally triggers his hero instinct. It increases the chances that he’ll want to come to your rescue in big or small ways.

And for men, being someone’s hero is romantic in ways that are hard for women to understand. It tugs at an ancient instinct all of us men share.

Throw Rocks at His Enemies

it sounds cruel, but I mean it metaphorically. We all want someone to have our back. We all crave validation more than we are willing to admit.

And guess what? Your private line of communication is the perfect opportunity for him to complain about anyone or anything that’s getting in his way.

When it comes to your ex, this is an ideal opportunity to put “the respect principle” to work.

The respect principle is the main topic of the downloadable relationship course that first made me famous as a relationship coach. Thousands of women have taken my course and used the respect principle to bring out the best in their man.

Simply put, men confuse the emotional sensations they get from love and respect. And if forced to choose, they would rather feel respected than loved.

So when the frustrated text arrives, recognize it as the golden opportunity it is. Because we will do anything for someone who validates our frustration and takes our side when we are feeling insecure.

Give him the impression that you hold him in high esteem relative to other men. He’ll love you for it even if he’s not ready to admit it.

Make Time Your Servant

Waiting is hard. Especially when you fear his heart may be taken by another woman at any minute.

But feeling pressured to fix things fast is one of the worst culprits when it comes to my clients pushing men into a corner and inadvertently triggering his instinct to fight or flee.

Don’t let time pressure be a master. Instead, make time your servant. Make it work for you.

The key to accomplishing that is to recognize that time is on your side. He’s already pulled away from you. That’s done. Now you need time on your side because it works day and night to gradually break down the emotional walls he built up against the idea of getting back together with you.

Give a man and a woman enough time together, and something’s bound to spark romantic feelings eventually. Give it enough time, and your private line of communication will eventually present you with an opportunity to see each other again face-to-face.

When that opportunity arises to spend time in person, here’s what you’re going to do. Make long, deep eye contact. Less talking, more silence.

Silence carries great power between lovers. It speaks louder than words and often evokes emotion in ways that bypass the barriers of words.

Plus, sustaining eye contact while thinking loving thoughts toward him will cause your pupils to dilate. Humans subconsciously notice this small change and it triggers reciprocal feelings of attraction.

So use periods of long, sustained eye contact. Make him wonder what you are thinking. Let his imagination do the work.

While you’re at it, it helps to wear something new and different. It helps to differentiate the woman from his past and the woman standing in front of him now. If you have the opportunity, show up in something he’s never seen you wear before.

I understand your situation is unique. Some of my suggestions may not apply. Despite that, I hope you will find opportunities to use this understanding of the difference between convincing and evoking the right feelings in the man you love.

To your happy future,

James

P.S. I’d love to help you rekindle the romance with your ex. If you’d like to see how, follow this link or checkout my presentation below.

Are You and Your Ex Actually Reuniting? Or Just Delaying the Breakup

Is your ex back? Or are you just involved in “a long goodbye”?

By: Faye Roberts

 

Ex factor

 

So you and your partner have broken up.

 

You probably had one (or a few) of those fights that felt like the final talk. You went back and forth, perhaps yelled some, things got heated. There were tears.

 

Maybe you had one last hug goodbye. Or maybe the last thing you heard was the slamming of a door. Maybe you were the one who slammed it.

 

No matter how things “ended,” you’re here because things didn’t actually end … did they?

 

You’re still talking. Maybe texting a little. Maybe a lot. Maybe you still like each other’s photos on Facebook. You definitely check out their social media to see what they’re up to.

 

You might even still hook up every once in a while.

 

In other words, it’s not over.

 

And there’s this lingering question: What is this relationship?

 

And are you together or aren’t you?

 

Is your ex really back?

 

Or are you just involved in “a long goodbye”?

 

This is something you’ve got to figure out.

 

You’re at a crossroads, and you have two paths ahead of you. If you want to maintain your sanity and avoid being in this long goodbye situation that only makes you miserable, you have 2 options.

 

Option 1: You try again, but you don’t half-ass it this time. You commit and really try again.

 

Option 2: You breakup for good. This means cutting off ties, deleting or blocking your ex from social media, deleting their phone number, getting rid of the stuff they left at your place, and “divvying up” your mutual friends and hangouts.

 

But exactly how do you know whether you’re headed for option 1 (he’s actually back in your life) or option 2 (you’re headed for a breakup)?

 

Answer: Take the following test.

 

Is He Really Back in Your Life? Take the Test

 

If you can answer YES to 5 or more of these questions, then you and he really could be headed for a renewed relationship. If not, you need to cut the ties.

 

Here goes.

 

  1. Had you been dating for more than 6 months before you broke up?

 

Relationships that have gone on for at least a half year are naturally stronger, more durable, and just harder to justify getting out of.

 

  1. Did you have a cheat-free relationship when you were together?

 

Having a past relationship that never involved cheating is a sign that things were fairly good. They could be good again.

 

  1. When you broke up, was it for well–thought-out reasons (not a heat of the moment argument)?

 

If you broke up because you got in a fight about chores or politics and it escalated too much, the breakup may have simply been a heat of the moment mistake. If you broke up because one of you said you were “out of love” with the other or someone cheated, it’s of course more serious and might need to be permanent.

 

  1. Right now, is he initiating texting/messenger conversations with you?

 

If you are always the initiator of conversations, he might just be acting civil and responding back to you. If he is still in this relationship for all intents and purposes (even though you’re technically broken up), he’s going to be the one initiating conversation a lot of the time.

 

  1. When he reaches out to you, is it for things other than just needing or wanting something (i.e. money, a ride to the airport, a booty call)?

 

If you are saying that he still seems “interested” because he calls you a lot, think about why he calls. If it’s only when he needs something, that’s not a good sign for your future together.

 

  1. Has he stayed single since the breakup?

 

Not a good sign for the future if he’s already with another girl. Even if he’s still flirty and somewhat attached to you too, he shouldn’t have already moved on to someone else while he’s still messing around with you, too.

 

  1. If you called him right now on the side of the road with a flat tire, would he come and get you?

 

If you feel he’s still a devoted friend who would help you out in any jam, that’s a positive sign that you two still have a strong and special bond.

 

  1. Do you talk to him at least once every day about something other than relationship drama?

 

If you’re continuously in communication, this could be a sign that you’re both not ready to completely call it quits.

 

  1. Do you find yourself often wishing you hadn’t broken it off with him?

 

If you’re thinking it, that in itself is a sign that somewhere inside you, you feel you two might have a chance again.

 

What to Do if You Know This Relationship Could Work, but He’s on the Fence

 

If you’ve answered YES to 5 or more of these questions, your relationship is not through yet.

 

But what do you do if you’re ready to get back together, and even though the signs say he is too, your ex is apprehensive?

 

As the woman in the relationship, it’s the simple truth that you often have a keener insight into what the future should hold for the two of you. If your ex is still teetering or confused, however, the situation that presents itself can be really difficult.

 

How do you win him back when you know it’s what’s right? One way is to talk to him and learn the techniques for planting the Seed of Devotion in him.

 

This sounds sort of complicated, and to be sure, some of the details that surround this concept can get tricky. But the results have been so universally positive for so many women that it’s worth learning about.

 

Planting the Seed of Devotion encompasses a set of techniques that were created and honed by Brad Browning, a relationship expert who created the program The Ex Factor Guide.

 

With these concepts in tow, you can:

 

  • Change his mind so that he wants to try the relationship again (he will be desperate for it)
  • Make him fall deeply in love with you again
  • Get it right from the beginning this time

 

It’s all about the way you talk to your ex. Any woman can learn this.

 

The key is getting the timing right. You only have a limited window for these concepts to work right.

 

Whether it’s on your own, trying to ask him what’s wrong and why he doesn’t want to get back together, or actually creating a tried and true working plan for getting him back with The Ex Factor Guide, act now in this window of opportunity. After all, you can’t live in limbo with your ex forever.

 

The test above will help you figure out where you’re at with this stage of your relationship. But you also have to go with your gut. Do you know you should be together again? Then, go get him.

Has Your Breakup Made You a Love Psychopath?

Love Psychopath

Martin asks,

“Mike, I need your help, man. My girlfriend and I broke up a couple weeks ago. She doesn’t know I still have access to her phone records, but I do. And she’s been making phone calls to somebody out of state. The other day they talked for like 40 minutes. I don’t want to keep her from dating but I feel like if I don’t do something she might fall for this other person. What do I do?”

Hey Martin,

A while ago I read a book calledThe Psychopath Test.” It’s about how 1% of everybody out there is a psychopath who has absolutely no empathy (a lot of really successful business people are actually psychopaths.)

Anyway, there’s a bit in the book where the author says “Right about now you’re probably wondering if YOU are psychopath.”

And when I read that, I nodded my head up and down because I was.

And then he said . . .

Well, if you’re wondering if you’re a psychopath, it means you’re not. Real psychopaths never even consider the idea that there’s something off or wrong about them.

Which was a relief.

Anyway, I’m not saying you’re a psychopath, but you are a LOVE psychopath right now.

And you’re not alone.

Every day I get emails from men and women saying they dug through their ex’s mail, snooped on their Facebook profile, “just happened” to look through their text messages or (and this is awful) created a fake online dating profile and flirted with their ex online.

And . . . huh . . . that’s love psychopath behavior.

Listen: I know, the breakup is hard. And we ALL act crazy when our heart is broken and we’re CRAVING that person more than anything.

But your ex DESERVES her privacy. And going through her phone records (or emails, or anything else) isn’t romantic or noble or any of the other lies you might tell yourself.

So what do you do instead?

Well, in “TextYourExBack” I say:

“The only way to get your ex back is to let them go first.”

And that’s 100% true. For you to have any chance at all of having a great relationship with that girl or guy again, you have to accept that the relationship you had is over and start from scratch to create something great that actually works.

And that means you have to escape this “fear zone” you’re living in. Yes, it’s possible she’s talking to somebody out of state who’s got great hair and six pack abs and genitals that do tricks.

But it’s also possible it’s just her crazy cousin who follows Phish and sells beads for a living.

Here’s what I recommend:

1. Get her phone records transferred to her TODAY.

2. If you’ve got any passwords of hers or anything like that LOSE THEM.

3. Go watch the video  TextYourExBack and decide if the program is for you .

 

About Michael Fiore

Since early 2010, Michael’s been teaching men and women around the world how to use simple digital tools to dramatically improve their relationships.