Thinking About Breaking Up With Him? Make Sure You Know for Sure

Thinking of breaking up with him?

 

Most women’s articles that center around the dilemma: “To break up or not to break up in an LTR (long-term relationship),” will focus on why you should break up with your partner.

 

Why?

 

Because these articles usually use the following reasoning: “Hey, you came to this page seeking advice on whether or not to break up with this guy … that’s a red flag. You should do it.”

 

We’re going to offer a slightly different perspective.

 

What if it’s you? What if you’re spending your days and sleepless nights convincing yourself to break it off with this guy, and it’s really not the right decision?

 

Hey, it’s possible, and it’s definitely happened to people in the past. The only thing that follows is regret.

 

But before we go any further, let’s get real: There are scenarios in which breaking up is obviously the best idea—a few deal-breakers that women just cannot ignore.

 

The Deal-Breakers

(If These Happen, End It)

 

  1. Physical or Mental Abuse

 

This is the number one deal-breaker because it simply does not fly no matter how you slice it. Being physically abused means your partner or someone you’ve been dating has touched you in any way that hurts you or makes you feel uncomfortable. Being mentally abused is when a partner puts you through scenarios that make you feel depressed, anxious, scared, or any other strong, negative emotion.

 

It can still be difficult to cut ties with someone who you may still have feelings for when abuse and violence comes into the picture. So it’s good to see someone like a therapist if you need to in order to make the transition out of the relationship easier.

 

  1. Cheating

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater is definitely a saying that’s up for debate. Maybe they’ll reform?

 

Even so, if you’ve caught your long-term boyfriend, fiancé, or husband red handed with another person, we can’t in all consciousness say that it would be a good idea to just stay and try to work it out. Blatantly screwing you over like that can easily be seen as an offense your partner won’t be able to come back from.

 

In other words, most of the time, cheating’s a deal-breaker.

 

  1. Completely Different Values

 

It’s difficult to imagine how a relationship would ever be able to work when you two have completely different outlooks on life or values. For example, if he’s convinced that he never wants to have kids, and you simply cannot wait to become a mother, you gotta a big problem, hon.

 

It’s important to keep in mind that some differences on values can be dealt with. For example, if you two are faithful to different religions, but the two religions aren’t too terribly contrasting, you might be able to work it out. The bottom line is, however, there are some contrasting values that will simply set you up for failure and it’s better to get out while you can in many cases.

 

When It’s More Complicated Than That

 

Now that we’ve got those deal-breakers out of the way, let’s move on to some situations that may appear a little more grayish.

 

When there’s been no abuse

When no one has cheated …

And when your values line up pretty well …

 

What do you do if you’re still thinking about breaking up with him?

 

Well, you’ve got to do some mental digging to either locate a real problem or realize that there may be something else going on. And maybe it’s not actually a problem with him. And maybe you should stay together.

 

To get you started, here are some prompts to ask yourself. Their answers may help lead you to the real reason you want to break up. Which may not be a good reason at all.

 

  1. What’s going on in your life right now?

 

Are you stressed? Got money problems? Worried about lots of things all at once?

 

Other problems in your life may be flooding your head and making you think that things are worse than they really are with your boo.

 

  1. When is it that you find yourself thinking of breaking up?

 

Again, if you think “Ugh! I am breaking up with him!” when he’s chewing over-zealously at dinner or when he leaves beard hairs from shaving all over the bathroom sink, just chill for a bit. You’re overreacting. It could be from stress or something else in your life.

 

  1. Do you always end up thinking about someone else in particular?

 

It’s not that meeting someone new and perfect while you’re still in a relationship isn’t possible. But it’s not a great plan. And if you’re stuck on a flame from long ago who’s married now and messaged you on Facebook … likewise, you’ve got to wake up. Your life should be moving forward not backward.

 

Being obsessed with this other person is not realistic even if you do actually want out of your current relationship. Any way you slice it … No, once you break up with your partner now, “things won’t magically snap into place with this new person.”

 

Not a good line of thinking.

 

  1. Have you ever had a good, quality relationship in the past?

 

Those who have never had a good relationship often get scared when presented with one that is … actually great. Then they self-sabotage. Don’t do this.

 

  1. How’s your self-confidence and self-esteem doing?

 

Often women also self-sabotage by trying to break up with their guy before their guy can break up with them. This stems from low self-esteem and low confidence. If he tells you you’re hot and he loves you, believe him and be happy.

 

  1. How did you feel about this guy when you first started dating?

 

Were you head over heels for him when you first met? Did you get all the butterflies and daydream about him? That’s a good sign, and it usually means that with a little elbow grease, you can get back to that.

 

  1. Picture it (no really): You’re broken up and you see his new Facebook profile pic. He’s smooching a new girl and she’s beautiful. How do you feel?

 

Yes, you can leave room for the little ounces of natural jealousy that every person has about someone they once dated … but really. How does that make you feel?

 

If it’s that you want to throw up and “you’re such an idiot for losing him,” maybe breaking up isn’t the right thing.

 

Ok, phew!

 

Now that you’ve gone through these prompts, try to stick with the ones that resonated with you throughout the next week or two.

 

The focus here is not to rush into a breakup if there’s nothing threatening in the relationships (no deal-breakers). You may be thinking “Dang, I’m already 95% ready to hit the road! I’m gone!” Or “I’m in the prime of my life, and I’ve got to get back out there right now!” But hold your horses just one sec.

 

If you really are considering this breakup from a long-term relationship, like for real, taking a few extra weeks to make sure it’s the right decision, is worth it.

 

Because remember, once you say it’s over to this guy … you might not be able to get him back.

 

Make a good choice.

 

How to break up with someone without being a jerk

How to Break up With Someone You Once Loved Without Being a Jerk

 

dear-john

 

Breaking up with someone is never easy to do, and if they’re someone you once cared deeply for, it’s even harder.

 

The first thing you’ve got to realize is that there’s no easy or good way to do this. The person’s going to be upset at you no matter what, and that’s just something you’ll have to accept.

 

Additionally, they might protest, cry, or say some nasty things. Your gut reaction may be to talk back or bring up a laundry list of reasons why they’re “definitely not the one.”

 

Avoid this at all cost. If you want to do this the right way, try to remind yourself how it feels to be broken up with, and remember that this is someone you have cared about. Your goal should be to be as kind and respectful as possible.

 

Forget your first 3 ideas

 

Your first 3 ideas about breaking up will be, in random order:

 

  1. I’ll text or email him a really nice message that it’s over.
  2. I’ll make him hate me by becoming a rude, chain smoking, alcoholic slob so that he breaks it off.
  3. I’ll just stop talking to him.

 

These aren’t good options. Forget texting, emailing, ghosting and going through a friend. Breakups should be done face to face.

  • If you must break up from someone who is far away, at least do it with a video messaging system.

 

Set it up

 

Planning is important here. This person needs some warning about what’s going to take place so that they’re not blindsided. Ask if they can “have a talk” later on at a certain time and place, and don’t make them wait days for this talk. For example, ask them to meet you in a few hours or after work that evening. In addition, make sure that you name the place.

 

Where you meet them should be private, but it shouldn’t be your home. Instead, go to their residence so that you’ll be able to excuse yourself after you talk.

 

Plan what you’re going to say

 

It’s good to plan what you’re going to say so that you can have your thoughts collected when you speak to your partner.

 

You should also take time to tell the other person the things you’ve appreciated about them—the reasons why you started dating in the first place. Here, be honest. If they are kind, passionate, talented, loving … tell them that, and say it from the heart.

 

You’ll need to explain why the change that is about to happen is taking place. Again, be honest. When people get broken up with, the biggest issue they have is not knowing why it happened. They’re left with unanswered questions.

 

So be real and don’t give them a sugarcoated explanation, but do remember that there’s a fine line between being tactfully honest and brutally honest. You want to be tactfully honest.

 

Tell them how you really feel about ending the relationship. Do it delicately. Explain that it’s really hard for you, and mean it because it is hard.

 

Listen

 

At this point, you both will be feeling very low. They may be angry, confused or crying. If they want to talk, listen to what they have to say and respond to their questions about what’s happening. Some people won’t want to talk, and you need to respect that too.

 

If things become heated—and they might—remember to be gracious and kind. Breakups can be caused by resentment or animosity. You might want to break it off because you felt you weren’t getting enough attention and support, for example. But if you’re going through with this breakup, now is not the time to get nasty. Don’t list off things you are fed up with about the other person or go into detail about what you can’t stand. Be kind. Say what needs to be said, and when everything is said, you should excuse yourself.

 

The post breakup

 

You’ll feel like the worst person ever. You’re not, but you do need to respect the new boundary you’ve created. Don’t call or text later on to see how they are, and don’t respond to any calls or messages they send for at least a few weeks. This will only tangle things and cause more pain between you.

With time, both of your emotions and egos will heal, and you’ll be better off as individuals who are seeking the love they truly need and desire. Remember, be respectful and be sensitive. In the long run, you’re doing the right thing for yourself and for the other person.