When Long Term Relationships Get Stale: How to Relight the Fire Tonight

Couple in long term relationship

When you’re young, you dream about the perfect LTR or long term relationship.


When you’re single, you dream about basically any LTR.


When you’re in a terrible relationship, you dream about a better LTR.


And then you get into a long term relationship.


And it’s great. He makes you breakfast in bed. You cuddle. He texts you a little smiley face with heart eyes. You go out to dinner together. You mend clothes for him (Right?) Ok, maybe not.


But the point is it’s good.


Yada yada yada.


And most of all … You have sex all the time.


… for …


… a while.


Because …


oh wait…


A year has gone by.


Now 2, 3, 4 … and more …


And all of a sudden … You look at your sex life and you realize it’s basically (gasp!) non-existent.


What on earth happened!


We’ll tell ya! : You’re in the LTR Rut. The dry spell. The stale phase. The do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-100-dollars-era.


And if you want this thing—this relationship—to last (and if you want to keep your sanity), you’ve got to find a way to relight that fire tonight. So, here’s how:


Relighting the Fire in Your Long Term Relationship in 10 Easy Steps


Step 1: Pick a time.


Ok so you don’t actually have to do this tonight, but the sooner the better. And because you have been a naughty couple and haven’t been scheduling sex like you kinda have to when you get in an LTR, you’ll need to go to the calendar and pick your date and time now.


Make sure you’re both free and nothing stressful is happening. For example, maybe don’t pick the day before his big morning presentation to spice things up.


Step 2: Start the ball rolling now.


A great way to get things going is with texting. The key is to build up the buildup. In other words: foreplay. So send your partner a sexy text. Tell him you’ve “been thinking about him” or that you “can’t wait to give him something special when he gets home tonight.”


Step 3: Psych yourself up.


Ok let’s get real. You’ve decided to relight the fire, but consider why it’s faded in the first place. You haven’t been digging sex for a while now. Well, don’t think about that now! In other words, don’t think, just do. Get ready to rekindle the fire.


Forget about how he sometimes does that weird thing with his nose and it turns you off or how you want to lose 15 pounds. Nu-uh. You need this. Sometimes you need to act before realizing how good someone is for you. The realization doesn’t always come first.


Step 4: Ok, do do a little problem solving.


Alright, but for real, why haven’t you wanted to have sex recently? If it is something you can control, do it!


In other words, if you usually feel self-conscious about hairy legs, get a nice wax or just shave. If you’re stressed about work all the time, make a point to set aside this time or try a guided meditation that day to calm your nerves. If you can’t have sex in a dirty bedroom, have sex in the den! Or clean.


Step 5: Brush up on some moves and dirty talk.


Do you have a few fun moves up your sleeve? Make sure you’re prepared just like studying for a test! If there are positions you especially favor, know how to work them in (or discuss it in your foreplay). You should also think about some dirty talk if you’re not good on the fly. Preparing a few key phrases isn’t weird at all—it’s preparation!


Step 6: Set the scene for love.


Again, clean up your room and put fresh sheets on the bed (if that’s where you’re gonna be). Light a candle, put on some mood music. Wear perfume, get fancy. Setting the mood is a great way to build anticipation for him and you.


Step 7: Build up the angst.


Ok remember those texts? Make sure you’re keeping them up throughout the day. And keep building the tension. Ask questions, form some intrigue in his mind. Maybe even a sneak peak of your lingerie or something similar.


Step 8: And … Action!


Get to it girl 😉


Step 9: Talk about it after sex.


Now that you’ve done it, woohoo! But don’t pass out or part ways too soon. Now, you need to cinch the deal. In other words, talk about how good it was or what moves you want to try next time, anything to keep the conversation moving. And of course, cuddle.


Step 10: Make a plan.


This is the final step and the most crucial. You can’t let this rut happen again, so you need to plan for the future.


For many couples, this means organizing or scheduling sex or if you just can’t stand the idea of seeing “SEX” on your calendar, you should organize date nights (or days).


The point is, you need to set aside time to get together. Even if it’s just going for a walk or sitting alone together and chatting about your week, this is the time that keeps you intimate, and frequent intimacy is the key to staying sexually active in your relationship.


Follow these steps and see what they can do for your sex life. Soon, you won’t have to put “SEX” on your calendar because you’ll be having it way more than you ever expected. And that’s the best outcome.

The Real Reason Sex Gets Worse Over Time, And EXACTLY What To Do About It At Any Stage

The Real Reason Sex Gets Worse Over Time,

And EXACTLY What To Do About It At Any Stage


 (Plus, How I Went Bald … And Saved My Sex Life Doing It.)

By Mirabelle Summers

the real reason sex gets worse



Hi guys, it’s Mirabelle here, and today I want to talk about SEX.  Here’s a question from Nora …


Hi Mirabelle,


I have a question about sex.


I love sex. I LOVE it. But recently it’s gotten boring … and I miss the craziness and the passion and the feeling of being wanted.  I miss it a lot.  How do I bring it back? 

Am I being stupid or naïve to hope that my boyfriend and I can have an amazing passionate sex life that doesn’t die away over time?  

– Nora


Hi Nora,


Thanks for your question.


I have to admit, I chose this question because I read it and winced.  As someone who frankly NEEDS regular, hot sex to feel in any way normal and truly alive, I read your question and just KNEW I had to tackle it right freaking now.  Because hey … I can relate to your problem.  (And I’ll prove it by telling you an extremely personal and somewhat embarrassing story about my own sex life just a few paragraphs down.)


First though, I’ve gotta admit …


You haven’t really given me much to work with here.  (I mean … how old are you? How old is he? How long have you been together? Do you live together? What’s the story here??  So, I’ll do the best I can with what I’ve got …


Which means it’s time for my embarrassing and DEEPLY personal sex story.


It’s hard for me to even ADMIT this, seeing as I’m a professional relationships coach (and an Amazon.com #1 bestselling author to boot …)  But, something most people don’t know about me?  I used to be the QUEEN of boring sex.  In ALL of my committed relationships.  


Every single relationship I had?


We’d start off crazy and intense and hyper-sexualized.  We couldn’t wait to RIP each other’s clothes off and have crazy wild gorilla sex in every room of the house.


… And sometimes outside in the garden.


… And sometimes in the bathroom at dinner parties.


… And sometimes …


… well, you get the idea.


But as the months (and eventually YEARS) passed, the sex that used to be scorching hot somehow turned into ‘comfort sex’. Sex that was the physical equivalent of a pair of slippers.  Sex that was comfy and warm and familiar… and BORING.  Sex that you wouldn’t want to wear with a hot dress.  Sex that you would NEVER wear out on a hot date.  (Ummmm … is it just me, or is this analogy getting super weird? 😉


So here’s what I’d do:

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