How Being a Control Freak Can Ruin Your Relationship

How Being a Control Freak Can Ruin Your Relationship

 

Are you always on guard, super attentive, and always the person in your relationship who has to be in charge? Is all this micromanaging causing lots of fights at home? Has your partner all of a sudden stopped participating in the relationship?

 

Sounds like you may be a control freak. Even though many of these behaviors may be wonderful and effective when you are on your own but they may not be suitable in a relationship with another person.

 

So, what does controlling behavior actually look like in real life? The following list is only a sample of how it can manifest in your behavior.

 

Controlling behavior may look like:

 

  • Emotional manipulation (guilt, shame, etc.)
  • Verbal abuse (yelling, harsh words, putting someone down)
  • Perfectionism (wanting everything to be perfect – home, partner, career, etc.)
  • Compulsive (trying and trying to get something right and therefore creating more stress and anxiety)

 

Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself? You are not a bad person if you did. Awareness is the first step to understanding your situation fully. The next step is understanding the “how” of it all.

 

How did you become so controlling?

It could be your way of coping with the anxiety that was created sometime ago in your life, possibly childhood. Take a look at these possible scenarios and see if any of them resonate with you.

 

  • Loss of Control as a child: No one likes to feel helpless. If you experienced it at a younger age due to a death of parent or you had to deal with a narcissistic parent, it can make you want to take control of your adult life even more so you never have to feel like that again.
  • To Feel Useful: Sometimes when you don’t feel good about yourself, you will insert yourself forcefully into a situation and take charge of it.
  • To Be and Feel Superior: If you were made to feel inferior over and over, it’s very possible you would attempt to put down others in order to feel better than them. This is how bullies are made.
  • To Never be Controlled Again: If you felt that others always tried to control you then you might become a control freak. This can present itself as being stubborn or uncaring. You refuse to hand over the reins to anyone.
  • Fear of Being Hurt: When you have been hurt by someone you have loved in the past, you may start to control who enters your life and when. You may even go as far as not having any serious relationships because the fear of being hurt again is just too much to bear.
  • To Prove Something: You may have been made to feel insignificant at some point in your life so now you try to control others to prove that you are worthy and strong.

 

How many of those felt true to you? It’s okay if many of them did. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t start thinking negatively or cursing yourself out. You are not a broken human being. You are a human being who has had some very stressful situations occur in your life and you are a survivor.

 

So, what can you do if you realize you are a control freak? First, take a deep breath. It is not the end of the world. Second, grab a pen and some paper and work through the following steps to help you let go of your need to dominate everything and everyone around you.

 

How to change your controlling behavior:

 

  1. Identify the controlling behaviors.
  2. Investigate the reasons and emotions behind why you behave that way.
  3. Read books about your discoveries.
  4. Identify what behaviors you can change on your own.
  5. Identify what behaviors you cannot change on your own. Seek out a professional therapist or counselor if needed.
  6. Find a support group.

 

Be gentle with yourself. Take your time and allow yourself the opportunity to express any feelings that may come up. All feelings are valid.

 

My hope is that by following these steps, you will give yourself the chance to change your controlling behavior and save your relationship. Love is always worth the time and effort.

 

All my love,

Dina

 

BIO

Dina Blas is an Inner Healing Life Coach and Mentor, Reiki Master, and Meditation Teacher, who helps her clients who have experienced childhood trauma break their toxic relationship cycle and rewrite their love story. Learn how to let go of your past and step into your power by contacting Dina at her website or by joining her private Facebook group for loving support and encouragement during your healing journey.

What Is Today’s Definition of a Feminist? Are You One? Is Your Partner?

Are you a feminist?

 

If asked, it’s likely that many women these days would say “yes” to the question: Are you a feminist?

 

A lot of men might say the same thing.

 

That’s probably because according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, this is the official definition of feminism:

 

(1) the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities

 

Would probably seem reasonable to a lot of people, no?

 

Well, maybe. It turns out that a lot of people view “feminism” differently—as in, it doesn’t have just one definition

 

Here’s an example.

 

A while back, news and gossip outlets were abuzz with the fact that Kaley Cuoco, the actress who plays Penny on The Big Bang Theory, said that she didn’t want to be labeled a feminist, saying that she likes serving her husband and being a good housewife to him.

 

She later said that she appreciates all the women who have paved the way for women’s rights and that she was taken out of context (because people got crazy mad at her original comments).

 

Trendsetting celebrity Kim Kardashian also said she does not want to be labeled as a feminist. Fans and contemporaries alike were outraged. And in response to this outrage, Kim released some quotes on the matter that basically said she just didn’t want to be “labeled.” Actress Shailene Woodley said about the same thing. She didn’t want to be labeled either.

 

So this leaves us with the question: What’s so bad about being a feminist to these women?

 

And you’ll see quite a few men hating on the term as well.

 

When you see people shying away from this so-called label, you’ve got to wonder what exactly the huge deal is. If we agree with the definition above, feminism seems perfectly reasonable to most people.

 

Now, this is an issue that can’t thoroughly be discussed in one article. There are so many aspects to the world of feminism and its history that you would need a series of books to even start to grasp everything.

 

But, let’s dive in.

 

First, Kaley Cuoco.

 

Kaley is just one example out of many women who feel the same way as her. They see the word “feminist” as pitted against some or all of the following:

 

  • Men in general
  • Being a good wife or girlfriend
  • Wearing feminine clothing and makeup
  • Letting men do things for them sometimes

 

In other words, some women are afraid to say they’re feminists because they think that feminist = man hater.

 

And let’s be honest: This idea makes sense!

 

After all, for centuries, feminists have been vying for things that most men have already had:

 

  • The right to vote.
  • The right to be independent and work.
  • The right to own property.
  • The right to get an education.
  • The right to … wear pants.

 

These are all things that women had to work for. They weren’t simply give.

 

Now … it’s a hope that we can all agree that the facts that women can vote, work, own property, get an education and wear pants are great things.

 

But today, feminists want even more.

 

And for most people who might say that they don’t want to be labeled as feminists, these are the issues.

 

To understand this further, we need to discuss the 3 waves of feminism.

 

The 3 Waves of Feminism

 

If you wanted, you could take feminism back to Greece. But for the title question that were discussing, let’s start in the 1800s with first wave feminism.

 

  1. 1830s – 1900s: First Wave Feminism

 

This was where the base progress began for feminism. Women aimed to attain political power, including the right to vote, work and be in charge of their family, yes even when a man wasn’t around.

 

  1. 1960s – 1980s: Second Wave Feminism

 

This wave was perfecting the first wave, but it focused on the workplace. These feminists wanted more rights for working women and single mothers, better reproductive rights and more respect all around in civil and social issues.

 

  1. 1990s – Present: Third Wave Feminism

 

Today, there are many different types of feminists: Radicals, Ecofeminists … But for the most part, these advocates are looking to continue equal rights for women. The biggest issues are social, economic and medical equality. For example, they want better reproductive rights, more equal pay and less body-shaming all around.

 

A lot of third wave feminists are criticized for being anti-man, anti-makeup, anti-diet/perfect body image, anti-marriage, and the list goes on.

 

So! Are You A Feminist?

 

Deciding whether or not you’re a feminist and clearing the air about whether or not your partner is one can be a touchy subject.

 

One good thing to remember is that you don’t have to register anywhere as a feminist!

 

So don’t feel pressure to have one straight answer: All in or all out. You can say that yes you are a feminist and still have caveats about the movement. You’re allowed to take issue with certain aspects or certain leaders in the feminist arena who don’t uphold your own personal values.

 

With that being said, do keep in mind that—just like Kaley, Kim and Shailene—if you say that you are not a feminist, people will take issue with this, and they might have some seriously valid ground to stand on. That’s because at its core (even if current third wave feminists are being way too off their rockers for your taste), feminism has undoubtedly achieved great things. I personally would have a knock down drag out fight with anyone who took issue with women having the right to vote. That’s something that needed to happen period.

 

So in terms of your partner, if you have a man in your life who says he’s “not a feminist,” and you are, you might want to discuss some of these things with him. Many men in present day don’t realize how hard women have had it throughout history, or they don’t take it to heart anyway. Similarly, it’s important to realize that many feminists vie for other vital rights for women in other parts of the world today.

 

Again, saying that you are a feminist doesn’t mean you are a man hater. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy wearing makeup or even that you are 100 percent in support of everything any given other feminist wants from the cause.

 

The best way to know how you feel is to be educated about it. This is a start, but be sure and read other publications about the history of feminism and what feminists are doing today.

 

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