Are Bad Past Relationships Hurting Your Chances at True Love?

How Having a String of Bad Past Relationships Is Hurting Your Chances at True Love


are you making these unhealthy relationship mistakes

Raise your hand if you’ve never been in a terrible relationship before.


Yeah, not many hands.


Almost everyone has gone through at least one awful relationship before. And for most of us … there have been more than just one.


Try a string of ‘em.


We likely remember them all too well. Near the end: The tears, fights, hang-ups, accusations, battles via text message. We’ve had sleepless nights, cried in the bathroom at work … maybe even had a little too much to drink and called our ex—only to hear someone else in the background. Someone who definitely didn’t sound like “just a friend.”


Times like this are tough every day. Well, more than that: They’re absolutely terrible.


And what’s worse? Well … when it happens time and again.


It’s sort of hard not to ask yourself at that point: What’s wrong with me!?


But fortunately … eventually … we make the decision that we should get back out there again. Friends tell us. Our moms sit us down. And you probably have more than one conversation with yourself in the mirror: “It’s time. Get back out there.


Ok, so great, right?


Just one thing.


We think we’re ready for future love. We think we’re ready to let the past be water under the bridge.


But alas … those awful relationships back there in your past? They haunt you. A terrible relationship from the past is like a pesky ghost. It can so easily deter and prevent you from being open to finding true love in the future.


You might like to tell yourself that moving on from a string of bad relationships will be easy and that fully trusting someone again will be simple, but it’s not always quite so easy.


One of the main culprits? Murphy’s Law.


What’s Murphy’s Law?


“Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.”


In other words: “How many times … how many ways … have my past relationships screwed up? Countless. Therefore … it’s bound to happen again.”


Simple logic. Yet fortunately for you, a flawed concept. Murphy’s Law doesn’t have to happen.


There are ways to move past this idea and come out on the other side ready for a real relationship that won’t be anything like your last ones.


How to Move Past the Past and Be Open to True Love Again


If you hope to be in a healthy relationship in the future, you may need to take a few key steps to make this happen. Namely, you’ve got to make sure that you don’t self-sabotage or throw away a potentially great relationship.


To do this, take the following steps to make sure that you get past these hurdles and move full force into the future.


  1. Be open to learning from your mistakes.


One reason that many people feel that they are doomed as far as future relationships go is that they assume that if they were the cause (or part of the cause) of past breakups, they’re bound to be the cause of a future breakup as well.


The truth is that people break up for many reasons. And yes, it is possible that you were the cause of breakups that happened in the past. But the awesome thing about being human is that you can change if you want to.


For example, if you had a relationship in which your partner broke up with you because they said you didn’t listen to them … you can do better this time around.


Keep in mind that this scenario only applies to scenarios in which the reason for your past breakup being partly your fault was justified. If your exes labeled you as something you truly weren’t, then that’s not your fault. That’s their fault. Likewise, if what they broke up with you for is not a changeable trait (e.g. They broke up with you because you have a large nose), then of course, that’s not a legitimate reason for someone to break up with you … And screw them.


But if you did something that you know caused part of the breakups (and it’s changeable), don’t just double down and keep making the same error over and again (a recipe for failure). Instead, improve and do better this time around.


  1. Avoid choosing the same type of person again.


If past breakups were caused by the other person being untrustworthy, unreliable or perhaps manipulative or self-centered, by all means, don’t choose the same kind of person again.


Naturally, this isn’t as easy as it may sound. You need to look for the warning signs that you should have seen in the past. To understand these warning signs, you have to do some thinking about the beginnings of your last relationship. Were there any red flags that you can see now that you couldn’t see then? Sometimes, it helps to ask close friends or relatives if they saw any red flags. Being wise about traits that are ultimately undesirable in your future partner can help you avoid a terrible relationship in the future.


  1. Get your ex out of your life.


Finally, make sure that you are moving forward without your exes on the periphery. In this age of social media and in the Internet in general, it’s so easy to continually allow people to be in your life who don’t improve it (and in fact, complicate it).


But it’s important to remember that you can curate your social sphere, which means that you can choose to delete your exes from social media. You can also stop staying in contact with them and remove yourself from social circles where you might have to see or talk to them.


Many people who have recently broken up with someone find this to be a difficult step to take, but desperate times call for desperate measures. You’ve got to move on.


Finding Hope


Getting over past breakups and a string of terrible exes is not easy. But it is possible.


Take some time to examine those past relationships. See where you can improve yourself and your choice in men or women. Then stop looking back.


You’re not going that way.


Getting Over Your Ex Is a Cinch When You Do This

Getting over your ex


Getting over your ex can be a beast.


We all know the phases of grief. First, you cry, then you rage, then you cry into a tub of ice cream … do a little more raging. Call your best friend … and then, inevitably …


You start stalking them hard on social media.


Don’t feel bad. We all do it.


In fact, for some of us on the bad end of a breakup … checking the ex’s page is the most consistent thing we do all day. Like clockwork, we check it in bed in the morning, after we shower, while eating breakfast, on the subway to work, on our lunch break.


Then when we get home, it’s time for a more in depth investigative approach. We ask the hard questions.


Who’s that? Who’s this? Who’s this person who liked their picture? Where is that restaurant? Why are they there? Who are they with? They don’t like eel! Why are they eating that? Why haven’t they posted in a while?


And if the ex has multiple types of social media? You’ve got those pages bookmarked, baby.


But let’s stop for a second and examine this protocol we’ve created. And let’s ask the important question here, which is:


Do you ultimately want to get over this person?


If the answer is no, well, then you’re lucky because with this routine you probably never will.


But if the answer is yes, how do you think your constant obsession with his social media page is going to play into your goal?


In fact, you can be pretty certain that getting rid of them on social media is going to help things along in the “getting over them” department.


But if you’re still not convinced, here are the top reasons why deleting your ex on social media and completely cutting them out of your “Internet life” is the way to go.


Why You Should Delete Your Ex From Social Media: The Top 8 Reasons


  1. You get to stop longingly scrolling through his pictures.


How terrible is it to feel so sick to your stomach every time you look at a picture of them? Is this something you actually enjoy doing? Keep in mind that it’s a special kind of self-torture that you could very well avoid if you decided to (you could also enjoy social media again!).


  1. You get so much more time on your hands!


Hey guess what? When you’re not continually checking your ex’s social media page, you’ll have a heck of a lot more time on your hands to do other things like hang with your friends, make delicious dinners and even date other people.


  1. You won’t have to feel like a stalker anymore.


Guess what else? When they’re gone from your social media, you get to turn in your stalker license!


No one really likes feeling like a stalker. It’s sort of creepy feeling, right? When you stop constantly living on your ex’s page, you might begin to feel a little better about yourself.


  1. You can feel like a super standup, confident person who always takes the high road.


It’s hard to be the person who takes the high road when a breakup is happening, but deep down, don’t you want to be that person?


In the end, by getting rid of your ex on social media, you are removing yourself from that heated equation even though everybody knows that deleting them is a hard thing to do. Kinda feels good, huh?


  1. There’s no way you can get sucked back into dating them anymore.


If you’re worried about somehow falling back into this person’s arms after your break up, the best way to avoid this is to avoid that person in general, and you can’t do this without deleting them from social media.


  1. You won’t have to go through the excruciating pain of seeing them flirting with or dating someone else.


Someday … yes, someday… your ex is going to meet someone new, and you are going to see their pictures and stupid lovey-dovey messages to each other all over social media. But you can AVOID THIS PAIN … by taking action now.


  1. You don’t have to put your mutual friends in a tight spot.


Many mutual friends of people who go through breakups have a really hard time dealing with this, especially on the Internet. Don’t put your dear friends through this. Allow them to interact with each of you separately on social media.


  1. You don’t have to worry about them seeing what you post.


After a breakup, it’s common to curate all of your social media so that your ex thinks this, that and the other about you (usually that you are living a magnificently happy and care-free existence without them). When you can just delete them from your social media platform, you don’t have to worry about this and you can move on with your life without curating it oddly.


 To Delete or Hide: That Is the Question


Before we end, let’s go over one more thing. On many social media platforms, you have the choice between deleting someone completely from your friends group, blocking them so that they can’t see anything that you do or just hiding them and their posts from your own view.


There are pros and cons to each one of these options, and it must be said that the problem with immediately deleting your ex is that this might come off as an aggressive move on your part.


Now, you can always talk to them first. For example, send them a message and say “Hey, no hard feelings, but I’m trying to get over this and am hoping you understand that I’m going to be deleting you from social media.”


But if you can’t send a message like this or are super wary of them being mad or sad (perhaps because you were the one who actually broke it off and you don’t want to feel like an even worse person), you can always hide them so that they can see you, but you can’t see them.


In the end, however, it’s best to just cut the ties and delete. It might feel difficult now, but like most big choices, it will only get easier as time goes on. And as you can see from the reasons above, there are plenty of positive outcomes to this choice.


A vision board is a strong visual reminder of what you desire in a partner and relationship. Having constant reaffirmation of your dreams for love keep you focused on what you want. And helps keep out who and what you DON’T want.


If Your Relationship Starts from Infidelity, is it Already Doomed?

Now, there is that thing called karma, or the universal law of reciprocity that would suggest that any relationship that is built on deception will likely, at some point fold under deception. After all, you reap what you sow, right? However, not everyone believes in karma or the universal law of reciprocity, so let’s take a look at some more practical implications to birthing a relationship from the sands of infidelity.


We live in a society in which a person who is motivated enough can find a justification for almost anything they want to do, including being involved in an adulterous marriage, or violating a committed relationship. In fact, there are people who strongly believe that mate poaching is a viable method for finding a long-term mate.


Now, there is that thing called karma, or the universal law of reciprocity that would suggest that any relationship that is built on deception will likely, at some point fold under deception. After all, you reap what you sow, right? However, not everyone believes in karma or the universal law of reciprocity, so let’s take a look at some more practical implications to birthing a relationship from the sands of infidelity.


Trust Issues are Common

One of the most prevalent issues associated with cheating in committed relationships is the development of trust issues. While it may be obvious that the spouse or mate who was the victim of the affair will develop a number of emotional issues, including the difficulty to trust others, what is less known is the difficulty for the new couple to trust one another. However, when a relationship is developed out of deception, suspicion between the two new partners is often extreme. The question arises, “If he cheated with me, what will stop him from cheating on me?”

Where there is no trust, there is no true foundation on which to build — meaning numerous other issues will emerge from this lack of trust that will place an exceptional amount of weight on the relationship.


Statistics are Working Against You

According to relationship expert, Jeff Saunders, the chance of a relationship born out of cheating experiencing any longevity and success is highly unlikely. Saunders says that second marriages have a success rate of less than 30 percent, and the complexity associated with a genesis of deception further exacerbates the dilemma — significantly lowering the success rate even further.

Susan Berger, a marriage and family therapist, iterates that while only 25 percent of relationships that start with cheating succeed, the bare statistic does not tell the entire story. In the study in which it was discovered that 25 percent of infidelity-driven relationship survive, quality of the relationship was not considered. In many of the surviving relationships, there was constant turmoil, further cheating between the two new mates and even violence. So, if the definition of success in these ill-birthed relationships requires quality and stability, the survival rate is much lower. It is simply too difficult to build something that requires optimal stability on an unstable foundation.


The Emotional Impacts on Kids

Building a blended family requires a great deal of work, and when the children involved are from a broken home in which the parent cheated with the new stepparent, the emotional conflict and hostility that must be overcome is monumental. There will be plenty of finger pointing and blame to pass around. Children are a constant reminder of past transgressions with major implications.

The fact that most cheating situations are triggered from some emotional need, the chance of the conduit through which that emotional need is met being able to sustain the weight of a holistic relationship is immensely low. When a relationship is birthed from such as shallow place, it cannot take root and anchor itself in a manner that will provide the strength necessary to weather the inevitable storms of life. So, at some point it crumbles, withers or is blown away.


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