5 Signs You Need to Walk Away From a Dysfunctional Relationship

Dysfunctional relationship

 

Dysfunctional relationships never produce the desired result of love and stability that so many people seek. Unfortunately, there is a proclivity to remain in these dysfunctional unions until the dysfunctionality becomes increasingly tolerable. The problem is that the longer you remain in a dysfunctional relationship, the more dysfunctional it becomes. It is virtually impossible to repair dysfunction from within — primarily due to the fact that the dysfunction is normalized with each passing moment — making it increasingly difficult to recognize.

 

Fortunately, there are a number of signs that are indicative of the need to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship, and acknowledging and acting on these signs can save you a lot of unnecessary strain. Following are five signs that you need to walk away from a dysfunctional relationship.

 

  1. Tedium & Redundancy

 

You can experience this phenomenon in a number of ways. One of the most common occurrences of tedium and redundancy in a dysfunctional relationship will come in the way of unresolved conflict, in which the same argument continues to present itself as an unresolved trigger for hostility and aggression. This is generally a result of a total breakdown in communication and the unwillingness to compromise — a result of selfishness.

 

  1. Perpetual Blame

 

If you find yourself in a situation in which you are always being blamed any time something goes wrong, it is likely that your mate is incapable of personal accountability. When a person has a proclivity to avoid accountability, they will become highly adept at twisting the facts to fit their perspective of reality. This can also lead to bouts of hostility.

 

  1. Bearing Disproportionate Guilt

 

If you find yourself constantly apologizing, especially for things that you have not done, this is not normal, and it is definitely not healthy. If you are always the one who has to suck it up and be the peacemaker, it will wear on you emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. It is only so long that you can continue to be the fall guy in the relationship before it takes its toll on you.

 

  1. Outbursts of Anger

 

While even the most levelheaded person can occasionally lose their temper, this should not be a common occurrence in a relationship. If you find yourself connected to a person who is easily enraged, especially when the level of anger does not correspond with the current situation, this is not only unhealthy, it is potentially dangerous. Unbridled anger is the predecessor to violence — mentally, emotionally and physically. Unfortunately, the progression can be so slow that by the time you detect it, you could already be a victim of domestic violence — don’t wait, leave now.

 

  1. A Depreciation in Self-worth

 

You should not be in a situation in which you actually feel worse about yourself when you are around your partner. Any person that treats you in a manner that causes you to question your worth is toxic to your existence. You must understand that there is more than one type of abuse, and in some ways, mental and emotional abuse can be equally as devastating as physical abuse — with the scars taking much longer to heal.

There are many signs that you are in a dysfunctional relationship that is going nowhere fast. The five signs listed here are strong indicators that it is time for you to move on. Most people wait too long to leave, hoping that things will get better, and they end up suffering far more than they should. Relationships should bring life, joy and satisfaction, not varying levels of stress and strain. Take heed to the signs and act accordingly.

How Being a Control Freak Can Ruin Your Relationship

How Being a Control Freak Can Ruin Your Relationship

 

Are you always on guard, super attentive, and always the person in your relationship who has to be in charge? Is all this micromanaging causing lots of fights at home? Has your partner all of a sudden stopped participating in the relationship?

 

Sounds like you may be a control freak. Even though many of these behaviors may be wonderful and effective when you are on your own but they may not be suitable in a relationship with another person.

 

So, what does controlling behavior actually look like in real life? The following list is only a sample of how it can manifest in your behavior.

 

Controlling behavior may look like:

 

  • Emotional manipulation (guilt, shame, etc.)
  • Verbal abuse (yelling, harsh words, putting someone down)
  • Perfectionism (wanting everything to be perfect – home, partner, career, etc.)
  • Compulsive (trying and trying to get something right and therefore creating more stress and anxiety)

 

Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself? You are not a bad person if you did. Awareness is the first step to understanding your situation fully. The next step is understanding the “how” of it all.

 

How did you become so controlling?

It could be your way of coping with the anxiety that was created sometime ago in your life, possibly childhood. Take a look at these possible scenarios and see if any of them resonate with you.

 

  • Loss of Control as a child: No one likes to feel helpless. If you experienced it at a younger age due to a death of parent or you had to deal with a narcissistic parent, it can make you want to take control of your adult life even more so you never have to feel like that again.
  • To Feel Useful: Sometimes when you don’t feel good about yourself, you will insert yourself forcefully into a situation and take charge of it.
  • To Be and Feel Superior: If you were made to feel inferior over and over, it’s very possible you would attempt to put down others in order to feel better than them. This is how bullies are made.
  • To Never be Controlled Again: If you felt that others always tried to control you then you might become a control freak. This can present itself as being stubborn or uncaring. You refuse to hand over the reins to anyone.
  • Fear of Being Hurt: When you have been hurt by someone you have loved in the past, you may start to control who enters your life and when. You may even go as far as not having any serious relationships because the fear of being hurt again is just too much to bear.
  • To Prove Something: You may have been made to feel insignificant at some point in your life so now you try to control others to prove that you are worthy and strong.

 

How many of those felt true to you? It’s okay if many of them did. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t start thinking negatively or cursing yourself out. You are not a broken human being. You are a human being who has had some very stressful situations occur in your life and you are a survivor.

 

So, what can you do if you realize you are a control freak? First, take a deep breath. It is not the end of the world. Second, grab a pen and some paper and work through the following steps to help you let go of your need to dominate everything and everyone around you.

 

How to change your controlling behavior:

 

  1. Identify the controlling behaviors.
  2. Investigate the reasons and emotions behind why you behave that way.
  3. Read books about your discoveries.
  4. Identify what behaviors you can change on your own.
  5. Identify what behaviors you cannot change on your own. Seek out a professional therapist or counselor if needed.
  6. Find a support group.

 

Be gentle with yourself. Take your time and allow yourself the opportunity to express any feelings that may come up. All feelings are valid.

 

My hope is that by following these steps, you will give yourself the chance to change your controlling behavior and save your relationship. Love is always worth the time and effort.

 

All my love,

Dina

 

BIO

Dina Blas is an Inner Healing Life Coach and Mentor, Reiki Master, and Meditation Teacher, who helps her clients who have experienced childhood trauma break their toxic relationship cycle and rewrite their love story. Learn how to let go of your past and step into your power by contacting Dina at her website or by joining her private Facebook group for loving support and encouragement during your healing journey.

Going Through a Breakup or Divorce Over the Holidays Is Tough. Here’s What to Do.

 

Most people wouldn’t wish the pain of divorce or breakup on their worst enemy.

 

Even if you are the one who decided that a breakup was necessary, you probably feel like wallowing in a pint of ice cream or crying on a friend’s shoulder for hours over your split.

 

In fact, it’s probably the same shoulder that is still wet from the last time you cried on their shoulder about it … yesterday.

 

Breakups are tough ruts to get out of.

 

Then you factor in the holidays.

 

No matter what religion you are, all holidays are a time for family, love and togetherness. And when your family just got a big tear down the center, you wonder … how is celebrating possible?

 

We know you’re feeling low right now. Maybe even lower than low. Fortunately, we’ve got the best news you’ve probably heard in a while:

 

The holidays are the perfect time to improve your mood about this breakup.

 

Think about it. You’re looking at the holidays as a looming period of doom. You’re looking at all the holes that will be there:

 

  • “We usually go to my in-laws for dinner. Where will I go this year?”

 

  • “All my friends are bringing their boyfriends and spouses to the party. I’ll be the only single one.”

 

  • “We used to wrap presents / decorate / watch movies / bake cookies Now what?”

 

  • “I had his present all wrapped …”

 

Similar thoughts been in your head lately? It’s just sad thing after worry after depressing realization after bummer.

 

Ok now stop that snowballing!

 

Reverse it. Flip it on end. When you think like that, you’re making a choice to think like that. Instead, choose to think another way.

 

Focus on the possibilities. Believe in the miracle of this annual holiday that has endured for thousands of generations.

 

And follow this advice for extra support.

 

  1. Be Ready for Change (And Excited About It)

 

Things are going to change. That’s scary to you, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a while. But you can take control of the situation by making friends with change.

 

For some, this might mean getting back into dating. For others, it might mean finally getting out of the apartment you used to share or selling/dumping the things that remind you of him.

 

Change your hair, schedule a mini vacation, watch the movies he always said he hated—who cares! Get excited for this new chapter of your new life, and try to make the holidays part of it. You can do this by creating brand new traditions that can just belong to you and your family and friends.

 

  1. Pinpoint What You’re Not Looking Forward To

 

It’s easy to say, “I hate the holidays this year.” But what do you hate? Really try to figure out what exactly you’re disliking about being broken up right now. Then take action.

 

For example, a lot of newly divorced people worry about attending parties or dinners solo. Well, if this is you, do something about it. For example, don’t go.

 

Weigh the pros and cons. If going to this dinner alone really upsets you, bow out, and replace the evening with something you love. Get a pedicure. Go see a movie. Hang out with another single friend.

 

Figuring out what bothers you and taking action can break up a lot of the frustration and uncomfortable feelings you’re having.

 

  1. Have a Ready Response

 

Scared of the idea of explaining your breakup or divorce to friends and family and random strangers at parties? Create a canned response, and don’t let people try to start up discussions about it.

 

Listen, you don’t have to listen to people comparing their own lives to yours or telling you that “it will get better soon” or trying to set you up.

 

In fact, if you want, part of your ready response can be: “I appreciate people’s concern, but I prefer not to talk about.”

 

  1. Don’t Stop Taking Care of Yourself

 

It’s easy not to shave your legs for oh … 5 or 6 weeks after a breakup. Or to stop highlighting or touching up your roots for, oh … 7 or 8 weeks. And yeah you can do that.

 

But don’t.

 

Taking care of yourself physically helps you feel in charge of your life and your destiny, and it helps you remember your confidence—an easy thing to lose when you break up with someone or get a divorce.

 

A few days of not washing your hair and wallowing in it is ok, but any more is disrespectful to yourself.

 

  1. Laugh about it

 

We as humans have the beautiful, unique ability to have a sense of humor about depressing situations. When we look at the funny side of sad things, we can at least chuckle a little, and that dopamine can start reacquainting itself with our regular brain chemistry. It’s all a slow process that you should start as soon as possible.

 

So, if you can, laugh about your situation.

 

  • If you had already bought your boyfriend a sweater as a present, don’t throw it out or cry your eyes out into it! Wear it to your family’s holiday party!

 

  • If your ex just put up a holiday photo of himself and his new girl on Facebook, put a photo up of you and your dog next to the fireplace (oh and also, quit checking his Facebook).

 

  • And if you find yourself sitting in bed on a Saturday night at 9pm in your way-past-needs-washing-phase leggings, eating chicken and watching heart-warming / terribly-depressing-in-your-case romantic comedies … have a big, hearty laugh. Because that’s just silly and cute. And very human of you.

 

Then doll yourself up and go out with friends or take some amazing selfies and put them online.

 

Just keep in mind that life is for the living, so live. And remember that in the face of any and all trials and tribulations in life: this too shall pass.

 

Have a Happy Holiday.