Why Doesn’t He Say I Love You?

He Doesn’t Say “I love you”

I was in a 20 year marriage which was abusive(mainly verbal and emotional). My divorce was final January 2013 and he was out of my home since July 31, 2012. We have 2 boys ages 19 and 11. My 11 yo has Aspergers and a lot of anger problems. I have started dating my high school sweetheart Feb. 16 2013. We had dated for 8 years in high school and after and were even engaged, but I left him for my now ex husband. I admit I did many stupid things and was really mean when I was young and immature. I have always kept the love for my high school boyfriend, always dreaming that one day I would be back with him even if it was one of those stories you read about where you find your old true love when your 80 years old. Luckily I didn’t have to wait till then. I’m 44 and he is 46. We are exclusive and I feel that he loves me, but he hasn’t said it yet. I want to say it, but I am so afraid. I am in counseling for the domestic violence so I am trying to get rid of old habits , like building walls and other things.

His name is Sean. He has met my 11yo and doesn’t have a problem with him. My son seems to like him too. But I just need to know , is it normal for him not to say I love you? Hes a jokester and tends to not be a deep person . As for me, I send him cute pics from your site and others saying how I feel because I’m afraid to say the words. I sent him cute cards too,(its my way of expressing feelings). I know we all express love in different ways, and he does make me happy when we are together. But those times when we aren’t due adult responsibilities I start to get scared that he doesn’t care if I am with him. I know its stupid and has a lot to do with my domestic violence. .

Am I making too much of this? He has me go with him to friends and family. But he’s not as touchy feely either like he was in high school. Yes I know we are adults , but I tend to compare a lot to way back then. I think he has always had feeling for me too. Maybe I should just realize that if its not said its not the end of the world. Sometimes when I am with him I can feel the love so intensely, but would be nice to hear . And I am also afraid that because of a lot of problems I am having with my 11 yo that Sean will say screw this , I should go find someone who has no kids or at least kids that don’t have issues. I know he hasn’t and is understanding, but I am just scared.
He has been my dream for all these years and I finally have my dream come true. (no hes not perfect but its what I have wanted).

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6 comments

  1. I think there’s no denying that he loves you. Perhaps you are asking the wrong question…

    Do you love yourself? Perhaps he is asking himself that question. You left him and chose an abusive relationship that lasted for years. I know this is difficult to hear, but it was your choice to stay and your choice to leave and at the end of the day, you didn’t chose to spend those years with him. I’m sure he’s hurt, but because he loves you and knows you are sensitive and going through therapy, he may not feel comfortable talking about his feelings. When you reconnect with the self-love you once had for yourself and heal the residue of guilt and self-doubt and self-hatred that abusive relationships leave in us, you will be ready to love yourself and open the door for the depth of his love (which I think must be pretty deep since he’s come back to you after so long).

    So back to the question of why he’s not saying I love you… Try asking, “Am I saying I love me?”

    Wishing you many blessings, joy and divine guidance…

  2. Sometimes expressing feelings is very hard to do in words. His actions will prove his feelings. As they say actions speak louder than words or words don’t hold true without actions that prove them.
    Give yourself both time to heal from the past and build a solid future.

  3. Give him time.. You are looking for security and men sometimes are hardheaded when it comes to showing unconditional love but you do need to know where he stands in this relationship and maybe he also draws from the past of when you first left him. How does he know it won’t happen a second time? Maybe as you let him know your heart, he will let you in on where his heart is at as just good friends or the love of your life.. Only when true unconditional love is applied can any relationship be healthy and happy. If his love is conditional, stay good friends to avoid heartbreak…

  4. Actions speak louder than words. What are his actions? I also was in a long term bed ally abusive marriage. It just about.destroyed me. I waited and waited not only for.the words I love you but the love that is shown by being held etc. I never got it in 17 years. My new husband teatime like a princess but he had to win me over. He was so loving. Sometimes we women tend to gravitate towardstheexact same kind.d of men. My new guy is so different from what I’ve k.own and now I’m so glad I married him his love has been healing.g He SHOWS it. Does your guy show it?if he does NOT run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. If he does show love and affection be.patient and shut up. I mean literally. He will in time start saying it.too. hope this helps..

  5. Send me a personal message via Facebook and I will respond there, if you are interested to find the answer. My Facebook name is krammagnus.

  6. It might just be him. OR, in my case my wife never inspired me to say “I love you”. After many, many years of ho hum sex I figured from another relationship blog that she was not a woman that just didn’t care much for sex. Instead she was actually avoiding the pleasure of sex. She was denying herself and me therefore I did not feel that much love for her. Reminds me of the saying, the secret to a good marriage is to keep your mans belly full and his balls drained. She kept my belly full but avoided emptying the balls. I likened our sex life to that of animals…. male mounts female does his thing and goes about the rest of his life. Oh, by the way, she loved sex when I was breeding her. And yes, another woman found me and showed me what sex was like with a woman that enjoys sex and doesn’t think of it as a wifely chore.